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Newly deflowered former virgins will wave to you continually from the street below your hotel windows

Before your Journey to Martyrdom you will be outfitted in a choice of suicide bomb wear designed by a galaxy of French Terrorist Haute Couture. John Galliano pants, Rive Gauche and Belenciaga shirts and jackets, and the actual bomber vests have been designed in stunning polyester by none other than our glorious leader, Bashar Assad himself. Your demise will be timed by Lalique watches specially designed in a gentle religious motif. Even your under garments will have the French touch of Aubade, Lejaby, and Chantelle designed to assure defication concealment should you lose your nerve when "your magic moment" arrives. There will be no embarrassing "brown stains" on your pants moments before you achieve glory.

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U.S. FORCES ON HIGH ALERT

VIRGINS PROMISED IRAQI SOLDIERS WHO DIE IN BATTLE

Last ditch recruiting campaign covers entire Arab World

(Baghdad, March 30) Word from mosques around the world reveals that the US invasion of Iraq will cause the heroic deaths of many Iraqi soldiers, Fedayeen volunteers, and Republican Guards. These deaths will exhaust the supply of virgins in Paradise within three days. Mullahs and Imams have called upon virgins the world over to "do the right thing" and immediately kill themselves, preferably by weaponless means. Gas, poison, and over doses of medication are preferred. Girls are urged not to disfigure themselves by jumping out of windows, setting themselves on fire, or jumping in front of trains because war heroes don't want to have sex with ugly and disfigured virgins.

Sheik Omar el Abbib told a throng that was carried world wide on Al Jazeera television, "Ugly and disfigured women look like pigs. Heroes are forbidden to fornicate with pigs." He urged young girls to stay beautiful in death. Word from Allah received by Imams and Mullahs mentioned that the possibility exists that the virgin supply may still run out, so a standby rationing plan may go into effect limiting war heroes to 60, or in a worst case scenario 50, virgins in Paradise with an IOU for the balance issued by Allah himself. Iraqi soldiers, Fedayeen, Hamas, Egyptian Jihad, and other terrorists were guaranteed a ready supply even if some virgins might be a thousand years old. "They still look beautiful," said Aba ib Rashid from his tent outside of Lucerne in the Alps of Switzerland where he is attending a fashion show put on by super models who swear they aren't Jewish.

Fatwas have been issued guaranteeing that newly minted virgins will receive undreamed of rewards once they are in Paradise and have been pleasured by a hero. "Voting rights, the removal of scars caused by beatings, and even courses in reading and writing will be available to all," said a highly placed Mullah. A few may even be allowed to work in male dominated professions like ditch digging and date harvesting. Virgins are reported to be purchasing huge supplies of pain killers, prescription medications, and even some Zyklon gas left over from concentration camps. The gas is furnished free by German manufacturers in exchange for oil rights in whatever country remains after the Americans surrender. France is insisting that they be allowed to bid for "suicide assistance products" too. Developing........

NEW HUMAN SHIELD TRAINING COURSE:
Open to males and females interested in world peace. There will be absolutely no risk to the shields once deployed. You will be deployed to Kuwait, the next target country of this fascist administration. We have signed contracts with the Hilton in Kuwait City, the old Sheraton Euphrates near the Catholic Church, and with the George Bush Yacht Club on the Persian Gulf. You will be able to use the pool facilities, the saunas, and all other recreational facilities other than the golf courses and tennis clubs. No fucking Jews will be permitted, nor will anyone who gets uncomfortable if a few dumb bitches get whacked with canes. Your job will be to stand up and be counted when that pig cowboy George W. Bush and the American fascists try to get rooms without reservations.

Contact World Peace Inc.

ANOTHER COLUMN FROM SYLVIA, GOSSIP QUEEN OF THE WAR ZONE

Howls in the Persian Night

Hanky Panky in the War ZoneVol I Number 2

Red Hot Item 1 Relaxing at the posh Solanni's in Kuwait City after a week of grueling combat was Heiress to the fabulous Marghentti fortune, the always stunningly dressed Lt. Commander Dorice von Schniederman. Her Lovliness was having a not so secret rendezvous with her current heart throb Brad Pitt. Dorice was dressed to kill in her Celia Krithorioti designed U.S. Navy uniform daringly open all the way down the front so everyone could glimpse almost everything. The stripes on the arms were 24 karat gold laced with nearly 50 diamonds and her cap, complete with platinum eagle, impressed the local towel heads no end. Her skin tight pants still have heads spinning.

White Hot Item "No gays in the military" hasn't stopped a certain high ranking Ranger officer from holding hands with his new "aide" on the beach at Umm Qassr. They were spotted shooting seagulls and hugging, oblivious to the missile attack going on around them. Ain't love grand?

Red Hot Item Two A wave of gonorrhea has broken out in the second brigade up at As Samawah. Sgt. Maurine Albert allegedly caught the disease from a Bedouin while taking a quick bathroom break in the dunes and passed it around to her many close friends. NOW is flying in lawyers to defend her. This could get icky before it's over.

This Item is Re-Entry Hot Marine Corporal Murray Silverman used the big sandstorm to write a screenplay while hiding under a personnel carrier. He "pitched" the story to studio honchos on his cell phone and they bought it. Word is the movie, tentatively titled "Sandstorm", will be directed by Steven Spielberg and star Tom Hanks. Corporal Silverman is the stepson of studio chief Norman Bergman.

Red Hot Item 4 A nasty feud. has broken out between two Brit elite commando units. Will say no more but rumor has it that both units want Elton John as their mascot for a week. The trouble erupted when it is alleged that Sir Elton accepted both invitations. So far two have been wounded and a third had his anal canal damaged by a artillery shell. The circumstances are being investigated.

Scorcher of the DayFinally, the international furor over which famous Paris designer is responsible for the awful looking Iraqi chemical protective gear is threatening relations between France and Iraq. It is said that they look so retro that the Fedayeen terrorists refused to wear them. "We looked like a bunch of fucking Shia chickenshits" one of them said. That is why they were discarded all over the country. Saddam Hussein is reportedly so angry he may take his poison gas business back to Germany.

LAST POSTINGS FROM BRAVE UNDERGROUND FRISCO REPUBLICAN BLOGGER
High Risk blogger is probably under arrest

3.12.2003.01:30
There are only four Republican pro Iraq Liberation people left here. We are greatly outnumbered but we fight on. Last night we were able to place American flags on one protestor BMW and then watched while a crowd of Frisco Anti War patriots trashed the car as is the usual practice when American flags are found on cars here. They are now aware of us again but we are under cover. The car owner sobbed uncontrollably about people urinating on his great paint job and deficating on his collection of priceless McGovern posters. CNN and a BBC guy showed up to film the "atrocity". He is blaming George Bush.

3.19.2003.17:33
I'm beginning to think my girl friend suspects my Republican leanings and could report me. I do have this weakness for totally unmoral liberal women, a weakness I am trying to control. Tonight we are going to clean up the feces left at the Veterans Memorial by the protestors and illegally place them in garbage containers. If we get arrested we know our fate. We will persevere.

3.20.2003.03:18
We got away with it and the papers are outraged. Today we plan to go out in public and read the National Review in full view of Democratic HQ. If a riot starts you will know the cause.

3.21.2003.22:11
Jack was arrested for reading National Review at Democratic HQ. The charge is "Public Indecency". We don't know if we will ever see him again. Tomorrow we plan to go into a radio station pretending to be pro-Saddam liberals and once on the air start singing "God Bless America". Singing that song without a permit may become a capital offense here. The "Horst Wessel" song (the old Nazi war hymn that has been banned world wide) has been legalized here because of pressure from the Berkeley academic community. Have to admit that it's kind of catchy.

3.22.2003.20:17
A big surprise. We started to sing at the station and the women there started to sob hysterically. Three of them called the SFPD and screamed rape. We left the station but are now wanted men. My girl friend packed up and left claiming she had no friends left with whom she could drink Latte. She is also pissed off that I am not gay or at least not as gay as she thought. That's because I told her brother he couldn't blow me without an AIDS test.

3.24.2003.08:07
This may be my last post for a while. We are going to plant copies of The Weekly Standard in the children's section of three Public Libraries. This morning several kids were spotted wearing little American Flags on their shirts outside of a school. We are being blamed for contributing to the delinquency of minors. Our pictures appear on all TV stations. They are trying to get us featured on "America's Most Wanted". We could be doomed.

No further posts have been received

PERSIAN GULF GOSSIP WRITER "SLYVIA" Vol I Number 1

Howls in the Persian Night

Hanky Panky in War Zones

Blister Hot What hunk Stealth Bomber pilot proposed to his long time girl friend by calling her on the radio just as he released his guided missiles over Kerkuk? Our sources say his girl friend is married to his commanding officer. The real war starts when he gets back stateside. Whoooooo.

Cool Item of the day Has that cute Brit Major in Basra who appeared on FOX and CNN got a girl friend? My sources say no

Bad BoySeen at the 101st Airborne Mess tent in very tight fatigues: Staff Sargent Steve Stunning looking for female reporters. Good luck Steve. Hear THAT much bigger might not be better for everyone.

Hot Hot Hot Overheard at the missile launching center aboard the USS Constitution: 3rd Class Petty Officer Annette Cardinalli flaunting her goods at Lt.. Homer Gonzales. He was daring her to write some pretty racy stuff on a missile. She told him to lean over her and write the stuff himself. My sources say she turned to face him while he wrote. Could that missile have been the one that ended up in Iran???? Naughty, naughty.

Courts Martial?? Rumor has it that a certain Special Forces Lance Corporal has been using his lance. Are "preggy tests" upcoming on Capt. Beverly LaFountaine????? We'll keep our ears open.

Don't Get Wounded We hear that four of the Marines wounded in the fragging incident are "totally pissed" that their hospital is staffed with male nurses. That's what "no gays in the military" does for you.

In Fins and Goggles We've heard that a yet to be identified Navy Seal with unusual endowments was seen prancing around Al Naseriyah in a too tight wet, and we mean very wet, suit. A couple of Burka babes followed him into a house there. Boys will be boys.

Filthy Dirty Funsie Last but decidedly not least: Reports that embedded reporter Niel "The Real Deal" Erikson was alone in a tank for four hours with a female tank commander who really showed him how to embed. The tank windows were so frosted they were delayed twenty minutes while the tank crew cleaned up. Come on kids, we're supposed to be liberating Iraq not libertining Iraq.

More Tomorrow. Kiss kiss

BLIX GETS NEW ASSIGNMENT Hans Blix, the renownd weapons hunter, has been nominated by the Bush Administration to find Global Warming. When queried regarding Blix's failure to find a 100 acre chemical plant in Iraq, Bush responded that if there is Global Warming, "then it's, you know, Global, like in really big. I mean bigger than 100 acres. Hans can't possibly miss that."

Meanwhile reports that Blix had been arrested in New York's Central Park hunting for the Statue of Liberty were unconfirmed.

{Satire}E X C L U S I V E
SURRENDER EMAILS LEAKED---a glitch in email security has caused several surrender negotiating emails to fall into the hands of two reporters. This is the text, partially censored to protect the identity of the Iraqi and American Officials.

To:(censored) @msn.com
Look, we have you by the balls. We can pay each of you $25 million if you just throw in with us. How about it?

To:(censored)@whitehouse.gov
We don't talk to infidel pigs. We have integrity. But my wife is a total slut for money and she just might take the deal. Because I love her I might follow her into the deserts of Switzerland.

To: (censored)@msn.com
You have to agree to turn over the mineral rights under Baghdad to the Vice President's nephew, surrender your troops on the O'Reilley Factor for an exclusive, and give me half of the movie rights to your story.

To: (censored)@whitehouse.gov
Do you know how to say "fuck you" in Arabic? What are you? A Goddam Jew? We are already negotiaing with Barry Diller and Mel Karmazin. You will have to talk to our agents. We will fight almost to the death. And your daughters are pigs.

To: (censored)@whitehouse.gov
My brother is a total asshole. He has no authority. I will surrender for just $20 million. All I want is safe passage to Rio for me and my brother's wife who I respect more than anyone in my life. She is beautiful and she needs money.

To:(censored)@whitehouse.gov
My brother has been killed in a bathroom accident. He sleeps with the camels. I am the only one you can deal with. That fucking faggot Diller is jerking us around like we just got off the camel caravan. What I want is $25 million, a guarantee that George Clooney will play me in the movie, screen writing credit, and total amnesty. I won't admit to any torture, rapes, dismemberments, or other so-called war crimes. Otherwise we fight to the end.

To:(censored)@msn.com
That fucking draft dodging liberal piece of shit Clooney gets bubkis. I don't care a rats ass if this war lasts fifty years. None of those Communist Hollywood scum bags gets so much as a sniff of the deal. Get ready to die. Maybe I could get Bruce Willis to play you.

To:(censored)@msn.com
We haven't received payment in two months and your internet service is hereby discontinued.
Regards: BGates@msn.com

We have no more emails.

CFAP (Chickenshit Film Artists for Peace) will hold their televised awards ceremony Sunday night. Many of these faint-hearted terrorist sympathizers and French Army draft dodgers will arrive in armored limos driven by drivers who have passed a hated FBI screening. The gutless wonders will be protected by the National Guard they debase with every pro-Saddam regurgitation, and guarded by the LAPD who should be out fighting crime but instead have to protect these preening whining icons of the Blue States from terrorists. The winners promise to heap abuse upon the Bush Administration and this country's war against Iraq.

Return the favor. Don't watch. Don't buy the sponsor's products. Don't go to their movies. Instead injoy a Real Man's Hamburger and enjoy the evening.

MY RUNDOWN ACADEMY AWARD MOVIE NOMINEE RUNDOWNS

Movie tickets for two, $20; popcorn cokes etc., $15, parking $3, baby sitter $20. Is this picture worth $58? If you are single with a date it will be $38.

So the Big Questions are: Do I sneak in? Do I wait for it to go to video? Do I steal the video when it comes out. Do I just stay home and get loaded?

THE PIANIST: Looking for a movie with a surprise ending? Something different? This ain't it. Another WWII movie where the Germans lose. You wanna fork over the big bucks see the Germans lose? It's your call. There are no movies on the docket about Green Nazis, Jews beating up Frenchmen, or Americans being decent.

Worth a $3 rental at Blockbuster.

GANGS OF NEW YORK: World Federation Wrestling meets Martin Scorcese. Nothing but fake blood, fake torture, fake rapes, and fake sets. And all set a in Politically Correct story. The bad guys don't want immigration and the Hollywood Left loves total violence against people who don't want immigration. Figure this, at $58 you're getting a bargain at around five cents per grotesque violent occurrence. If you have a babe who's into this let us all know.

Sneak in for Daniel Day Lewis

CHICAGO: The Bob Fosse musical directed by a guy who didn't want it to look like a Bob Fosse musical. It doesn't. Digitally corrected singing by digitally enhanced actresses who look gorgeous. Only truth in the whole hour and a half is Richard Gere who can't dance or sing, thank God. All the Hollywood Lefties love this movie because it's about nothing. And they sing and dance about it. While Dictators torture thousands and throw tens of thousands more into prisons. Hooray for Hollywood. If you pay to get into this thing reflect on the three to five people who will have their tongues ripped out in Iran, Iraq, or Syria while you sit there.

Sneak in.

LORD OF THE RINGS: What's it about? Who's in it? Who directed it? Who knows? Directed by a computer animation company, cast by computer nerds, and aimed at an audience who grew up on this stuff.

Stay home and get loaded

THE HOURS: Could be called "The Months". Another movie that in bygone years would have been a play. This intensely "arty" story has been made into a movie where actors talk.
And talk.
And talk.
And talk.
If actors talk it means they will get nominated for talking great. So this a movie that doesn't move. It talks. The artsy fartsy crowd say this is great acting. So far nobody is paying for this thing except the stock holders. Don't get caught sneaking in to this one.

Steal the video.

OK, FRANCE

Bumper sticker in Washington D.C.: 'First Iraq, then France.'

The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well, Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France.
Jay Leno

France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rolling thru Paris with a German Flag on it.
-Dave Letterman

Why are all the highways in France lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade!!!

France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.-Mark Twain
_____
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
-Ted Nugent

War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army

Q. how many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris.
A. Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

ANNOUNCING----THE BIG "BLAME THE JEWS WEEKEND"

Guest lecturers will include men of the cloth (you know who they are), university presidents and professors, (some surprise guests here), and representatives from civil rights organizations like JOE (Jews Own Everything), BAD (Blacks Against the Devil), and HIRK (Hispanic Intellectuals Ready to Kill). Learn what the problem really is: JEWS.

TOPICS

1. "Jews Lend Money and Want to be Repaid"; this vicious practice exposed for the first time by Jose deLa Cruz, Ph.D., hear how he was lured into borrowing millions by international Jewry, who then demanded he make payments. He is now destitute and will accept cash donations.

2, Jews Eat Shit; taught by the Reverend Kwaljaki Zebranolk Moore from the Christ is Risen Church of the Downtrodden in Beverly Hills California. Kosher isn't what you think. To Jewish women cooking is sex.

3. "The Truth about the So-Called Holocaust" taught by Hans and Abdul von Khalid. How a miracle weight loss program has been used to smear Germany and France.

4. "The Truth About Democracy and Israel" taught by Robert Mugabe, the grand old man of African Politics; if he gets killed or jailed the course will be taught through international TV hookup by the legendary Idi Amin. Learn how this now discredited form of government has caused trouble wherever it has appeared. The U.S. and Britain led Israel to adopt this alien form of government in the middle of the desert. Millions of Arabs have died because some of them wanted this democracy. Wanted to kick out their leaders and replace them with scum from the streets. You can't count the number of people who have died trying to promote this sinister system within countries like China, Cambodia, Syria, and Iran, and many more millions will die. Israel is guilty of genocide by promoting this vicious, unholy, and criminal philosophy. Iraq, Syria, Iran, and a hundred other countries have rejected this evil Satan as espoused by Israel. Voting is a sin against God. Israel is a sin against God.

5. "Jews become Judges, Lawyers, Accountants, and Doctors so they can Control Everything"; learn how these people actually go to school instead of playing basketball, many starting as young as five or six years old, where they study and pass tests so they can take over. Taught by Homeless Advocate Tim Duncan who, with only a seventh grade education, performed brain surgery on his mother, and then defended himself against charges of practicing medicine without a license AND murder in a court of law and WON. Degrees are unnecessary and a creation of the Jews designed to keep everyone else out.

Additionally there will be singing and dancing, group sex, unbridled drug use, a rare appearance by Allah, and hot dogs. Learn and Have Fun.

BOMBSHELL--FRANCE HAS DISARMED IRAQ

A bombshell announcement today from Mon. Jean De Fope', Minister of Grey Market Trading for France. He stated that France has been using trade to disarm Iraq for the last ten years. His statement has rocked world financial markets.

Mon. De Fop (as Americans sneeringly refer to him) spoke while seated behind his massive mahogany desk as follows. "The French sold Mirage jets to the Iraq government. The Mirage is a 1980 fighter plane which has been outmoded for years. Using the business philosophy of Mon. Gillette from the U.S. which is "give them the razor and then sell them the blades" we French, who are much more sophisticated in such matters, went one better. "We sold them outmoded planes AND are selling them spare parts for planes that cannot stand up in modern battle. THAT is disarmament."

When asked if France has also disarmed most of Africa using similar tactics, he simply nodded from behind his desk and noted that France needed to invade some of their former colonies once in a while in order to save lives and it doesn't seem brilliant to have French fighting men killed by modern aircraft. "This makes it unnecessary to bother the UN in trivial matters when no lives are really at stake."

When asked about the oil deals the French have struck with Saddam, Mon. De Fop responded with a shake of his gorgeous long hair, "Another step for Peace. You don't understand the brilliant French mind, if we seem make a deal for oil, the Iraqis come to rely on us for our brilliant minds and superior culture. We take all their oil and refuse to sell it back to them. This is true disarmament."

When asked about the Germans selling poison gas, nuclear technology, and other devices designed to disarm Iraq, Mr. De Fop rose to his feet, zipped up his fly and presented Herr von Grovelmann who had been hiding under the desk the whole time. Von Grovelmann wiped his lips, placed an arm about Mon. De Fop's massive shoulders and explained the German position. "You fucking schwine hunts, you schizerkopfs, you blame Germany? The land of Goethe, Bismark, unt Schiller? Peace loving Germany? The materials were sold, not to Iraq, but to the Prince of Monaco who resold them to Chad, who resold them to some monkey in Cameroon, who resold them to Enron, and God only knows what happened then. Besides most of the poison gas is left over from 1944, designed to kill only stinking Jews and leave all other plants, animals, and human life unscathed. It has approval of the German Green Party, the purist environmental movement on the planet. The U.N. Wildlife Protection Bureau, the Human Rights Commission chaired by Libya and not France, and will soon have the approval of the UN Disarmament Commission chaired by Iraq and not Germany. Everybody loves zyclon gas except the Hitler like Americans and the Jews." Von Grovelmann started to extend his right arm outward in what appeared to be the start of the ancient Roman salute but was restrained by Mon. De Fop who kissed him lightly on the cheek and patted his head.

Mon De Fop closed the meeting with the statement that Iraq HAS been disarmed. "Disarmed by French business practices, as has most of the Third World..." and then he paused dramatically before continuing, "Most of the Third World other than England, which remains a problem."

AS WAR APPROACHES REAL MEN NEED REAL FOOD

REAL MAN'S HAMBURGER Never feel cowardly again.
INGREDIENTS
buger (20%fat), vodka, beer, marijuanna (no stems), bread heel, whatever is left over.

1. Steal 2 pounds of 25% fat hamburger from the supermarket.

2. Flip off the store Security Guard on the way to your car. If he's a different race than you, utter a racial slur.

3. On the way home buy some beer and a half pint of vodka.

4. Pick up a slutty looking high school girl at a bus stop and take her home with you.
(a) Give her The IQ Test:
(a1) The Colors in a rainbow are red green and yellow. What are the colors in a rainbow?
(b) If gets two out of three or better dump her at the next bus stop and keep looking. You don't want bitches who can remember stuff.

5. When you get home give the girl a beer loaded up with vodka and let her watch Jerry Springer or Bugs Bunny cartoons on your TV.

6. Put a frying pan on the stove, turn it to high.

7. Rip open the burger.

8. Sprinkle it with marijuana (no stems or seeds or the high school girl will figure it out). Then work the pot into the meat.

9. Make a couple of patties then slam them real hard into the hot pan.

10. Ask the girl how she likes her burgers. Pay no attention to what she says, she's too stupid to know anything anyway.

11. Get out some bread and use the heels of the loaf as a bun so she will think she's actually there for the food.

12. When the smoke gets real thick, turn the burgers over.

13. Slap some mayo on the bread heels, then whatever kind of crap you have like onions, relish, pickles, whatever you want to get rid of, and throw it on there too.

14. Check to see if the girl is drunk yet. If she isn't you're going to have to give her the burger.

15. Now that the smoke is real think again, you turn off the stove, put a burger on the heels for her and deliver the goods.

16. Go back in the kitchen and scarf the remaining burger, chase it with some beer, and wait for the pot to kick in.

17. Go back in the TV room, and if there's no football game on, let her keep watching cartoons or Springer or some other scummy show while the vodka, beer, and pot kick in. Slip one of your porno tapes into your VCR and after a minute or two use your remote to start it up.

18. The night is still ahead......

IF YOU DOUBT THAT THIS RECIPE WORKS, CHECK THE FACTS: I USE IT.THREE ARRESTS AND NO CONVICTIONS

Porn Star Lickey Poo Poo Speaks out against the war and pays the price.

The Screen Actors Guild warns of McCarthyism and blacklisting if stars against war aren't hired, and their warnings may not be so wrong. The disgraceful practice of blacklisting has spread to other parts of the entertainment business. Porn actress and activist Licky Poo Poo has been apparently blacklisted by porn producers for her anti-war statements, joining luminaries in Hollywood like Martin Sheen, Woody Harrelson, and others. The actress, who was fleeing a police dragnet for an unrelated incident, agreed to be interviewed in a safe house somewhere in Southern California on the condition that the interview would not be released for twelve hours. Below is the interview including the bombshell accusation of rampant blacklisting in the Porn Biz.

Q: So you haven't worked since.....

LICKY: .....since I said George Bush was a piece of shit who should get fucked in the ass by an elephant, raped babies, and should be killed. I mean that douche bag slut Anus Bondaje calls for carpet bombing of fucking Paris and the nuking of Germany and she's had more work than that pig Jennifer Aniston. This is fucking McArthurism. I went to the Screen Actors Guild and they hid from me.

Q: Well, you aren't exactly a well known actress. The only picture I saw you in was "Shit Eating Crack Whores in The Vatican". What else have you done?

LICKY: I was fucking set for life. I was scheduled to do seven feature films over the next two days when, whammo....

Q: .....what seven pictures were....

LICKY;....everyone wanted me. What? What pictures? "Diarrhea Darlings", "Puppy Doo Doo Carnivores", I was even set to do some sex scenes with a famous serial killer for FOX...

Q:....and what you're saying is all this future work went down the drain because of your activism against the administration and the war?

LICKY: You're God Dam right.

Q: And the fact that you're wanted for attempted murder of your lover has nothing to do with it?

LICKY: Hey, that's show biz. That's my image. Makes me even more desirable. Sex with me is dangerous. I eat your shit and then attack you. I was the next Tracy Lords until I took a stand.

So there you have it. Unmistakable evidence of McCarthyism running rampant in tinsel town. Right Wing fanatics going after every liberal they can find. Time to take a stand everyone. Freedom is at stake. It is now a matter of record that Ms. Poo Poo was caught and arrested when attempting to pull a woman off of a toilet in a public rest room at a McDonalds in Los Angeles. She claims she was practicing for her next role in "Toilet Sweeties" when caught. She faces an uncertain future. Liberal anti-war groups could not be contacted for this story

RUMSFELD ACCUSED OF MEDDLING IN WEAPONS SYSTEMS.
(Washington Mar 31) Military Brass has come to the fore in attempting to save necessary weapons sytems killed by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The Joint Chiefs say the following systems are desperately needed by the Military to win the War in Iraq, according to a press release dated Sunday March 29, 2003.

SOLAR POWERED FLASHLIGHTS. Desperately needed for night combat. Solely because this necessary life saving device was developed by the daughter of one of the Joint Chiefs while she was in drug rehab, Rumsfeld has killed it.

THE BOOMERANG BULLET: Developed in a joint venture between Enron and Global Crossing at a cost of $6 billion, this bullet will not only return safely to the shooter should the shooter miss his target, BUT if the bullet lodges inside the enemy both bullet and enemy soldier will return to the shooter. Rumsfeld’s hostility toward anything remotely related to those socialist Australians is behind the cancellation of this weapon.

THE HANIBAL LECHTOR BRIGADE: Developed by one of the most decorated combat officers in the history of this country, Col. David "Mad Dog" Swan, who suffered massive head injuries in a motorcycle accident in downtown Mecca during the Gulf War. This is a near revolutionary concept developed by Swan in conjunction with his neurologist and now bankrupt Adelphia’s jailed former executives. Swan’s idea of training and deploying a battalion of convicted homicidal maniacs armed to the teeth and drugged out of their minds has the potential of turning any battle around. It would have taken Basra in less than an hour. Rumsfeld’s bias against the entertainment business and his revulsion over granting TV rights of the battles to a bunch of scumbag liberals at CBS is behind his quashing of this very cheap system.

THE FUSION DEATH RAY: Still under development, this weapon will kill every human being within 500 yards and a 45 degree arc BUT will leave all plants and animals alive. It has environmental approval, Wildlife Management approval, and is pending approval from PETA. So Rumsfeld doesn’t like the fact that the original work was done by Nazis. So what? So were freeways. The developers at Viacom subsidiary MTV are confident that the 27 ton weight of the weapon shouldn’t be a problem once the 200 ton 36 engine super transport plane is developed. Rumsfeld is "thinking" of not only killing the project but firing "every sorry son of a bitch" who had anything to do with it.

On behalf of the Joint Chiefs we urge you to write your Congress representatives and urge that these JOB CREATING and battle winning programs be saved. Do not let this civilian retard Rumsfeld jeapordize the War on Terror. Civilian control of the Military is not a concept that is proven.

WE MUST ASSUME THIS IS A SATIRICAL LETTER FROM AN IMAGINARY FRENCH CITIZEN

Monsieur Allah be Praised.

I protest the horrid and disgusting remarks about France, our opposition to war, and our alleged cowardice in 1940. Let us be clear. France is the world's leading culture, we stand alone. The intellectual center of the Western World without peer. I am a proud French citizen now living in Coral Springs, Florida for tax reasons. I am fifty years old and feel more than competent to share my feelings regarding the French positions in the current situation. In addition there is no basis for the current accusations that we French engaged in any alleged anti-Semitic or pro Nazi acts during the 40's.

First let me address WWII and our negotiated settlement with the Germans after the Maginot Line had been flanked in 1940. What were we supposed to do? Fight to the death like a bunch of stupid Polaks, slavs, or other EU wannabees? Do counter attacks and risk the loss of millions of acres of grapes? Shoot a bunch of cute German teen agers who were just doing their jobs? We are French. We are the intellectual heart of Europe. We have brains enough to know when we might possibly be beaten. We saved Paris from being bombed. The stupid Brits allowed London to be bombed so they could march around pretending to be brave. Now they have socialized medicine, prostitutes, and McDonalds. So there.

The fault for our "arrangement", if the truth be known, was entirely America's. These revisionist swine now claim we had the largest army in Europe, half again larger than the German army, that we could have fought on. Fought on what? Mules, horses, Citroens? No, we made the best deal we could because the lousy Americans wouldn't come over and fight for us. It was the Americans who were responsible. And we have not fogotten. It was Americas fault. All the Americans who died at Normandy had it coming for not defending us in 1940. They had it coming exactly like 9/11.

Now so far as the American claim that French citizens sent Jews to concentration camps. As we say in France, "Get real". They were very unhappy living under the Germans. They had homes that the less fortunate could live in if Jews weren't living in them. The Jews felt guilty. Jews always feel guilty about something. So some of us sponsored vacation trips to the Black Forest for a few hundred or so. None of this would have happened if the Americans had helped us in 1940. By the time of June in 1943 it was clear that Germany was losing the war. What brilliant French intellectual would send Jews on anything but a fun vacation when they knew that Germany was going to lose? Concentration camps? We thought in our hearts they were going to health spas. When they didn't come back we assumed they got killed in the AMERICAN BOMBING OF CIVILIANS so we took their homes. So what?

No. This, as we say in France, is typical American horse shit. The Jews want their grandparent's homes back? Fuck them. I'd like my great great grandfather's castle back that Napoleon cheated him out of. But you don't hear me whining. Life goes on Zionists. Deal with it. Get the stupid Americans to pay you. Nobody would have died had they stepped in in 1940. Now that there is a World Court, American cowardice in 1940 will be revealed for the world to see.

We are now negotiating again. Paris will not be bombed. Who cares about anything else? Only the stupid ones.

Praise be to monsieur Allah.

LIBERAL RADIO COMEDY WRITERS ATTENTION
The new Liberal Radio Network needs comedy writers. Must be able to switch all dumb blonde jokes to stupid American jokes, switch all racist jokes to Republican jokes, write snappy satirical songs comparing cowardly American soldiers to brave French soldiers and German Gestapo heroes; composers must be able re-arrange all the old German marches to bouncy happy polkas and waltzes (The Horst Wessel Polka, Deutschland Uber Alles Waltz etc.), writers must be able to write hilarious comedy bits about teachers trying to teach morons, urproarious routines about home invasions, murders, and violence against animals, comedy sketches about abortion, Global Warming killing millions, and other issue orented laughs and chuckles. Anti-Semitic college students will be given preference; anti-white African Americans will be guranteed employment equal to their representation in the population; women will be over represented; support for genocidal dictators will not be reasons for exclusion (torture chamber jokes, so long as they are not hateful, will help spread understanding and diversity; the "What do you tell a woman with one black eye?" joke is still a torture chamber classic).

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