RUMSFELD ACCUSED OF MEDDLING IN WEAPONS SYSTEMS.
(Washington Mar 31) Military Brass has come to the fore in attempting to save necessary weapons sytems killed by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The Joint Chiefs say the following systems are desperately needed by the Military to win the War in Iraq, according to a press release dated Sunday March 29, 2003.

SOLAR POWERED FLASHLIGHTS. Desperately needed for night combat. Solely because this necessary life saving device was developed by the daughter of one of the Joint Chiefs while she was in drug rehab, Rumsfeld has killed it.

THE BOOMERANG BULLET: Developed in a joint venture between Enron and Global Crossing at a cost of $6 billion, this bullet will not only return safely to the shooter should the shooter miss his target, BUT if the bullet lodges inside the enemy both bullet and enemy soldier will return to the shooter. Rumsfeld’s hostility toward anything remotely related to those socialist Australians is behind the cancellation of this weapon.

THE HANIBAL LECHTOR BRIGADE: Developed by one of the most decorated combat officers in the history of this country, Col. David "Mad Dog" Swan, who suffered massive head injuries in a motorcycle accident in downtown Mecca during the Gulf War. This is a near revolutionary concept developed by Swan in conjunction with his neurologist and now bankrupt Adelphia’s jailed former executives. Swan’s idea of training and deploying a battalion of convicted homicidal maniacs armed to the teeth and drugged out of their minds has the potential of turning any battle around. It would have taken Basra in less than an hour. Rumsfeld’s bias against the entertainment business and his revulsion over granting TV rights of the battles to a bunch of scumbag liberals at CBS is behind his quashing of this very cheap system.

THE FUSION DEATH RAY: Still under development, this weapon will kill every human being within 500 yards and a 45 degree arc BUT will leave all plants and animals alive. It has environmental approval, Wildlife Management approval, and is pending approval from PETA. So Rumsfeld doesn’t like the fact that the original work was done by Nazis. So what? So were freeways. The developers at Viacom subsidiary MTV are confident that the 27 ton weight of the weapon shouldn’t be a problem once the 200 ton 36 engine super transport plane is developed. Rumsfeld is "thinking" of not only killing the project but firing "every sorry son of a bitch" who had anything to do with it.

On behalf of the Joint Chiefs we urge you to write your Congress representatives and urge that these JOB CREATING and battle winning programs be saved. Do not let this civilian retard Rumsfeld jeapordize the War on Terror. Civilian control of the Military is not a concept that is proven.