{Satire}E X C L U S I V E
SURRENDER EMAILS LEAKED---a glitch in email security has caused several surrender negotiating emails to fall into the hands of two reporters. This is the text, partially censored to protect the identity of the Iraqi and American Officials.

To:(censored) @msn.com
Look, we have you by the balls. We can pay each of you $25 million if you just throw in with us. How about it?

To:(censored)@whitehouse.gov
We don't talk to infidel pigs. We have integrity. But my wife is a total slut for money and she just might take the deal. Because I love her I might follow her into the deserts of Switzerland.

To: (censored)@msn.com
You have to agree to turn over the mineral rights under Baghdad to the Vice President's nephew, surrender your troops on the O'Reilley Factor for an exclusive, and give me half of the movie rights to your story.

To: (censored)@whitehouse.gov
Do you know how to say "fuck you" in Arabic? What are you? A Goddam Jew? We are already negotiaing with Barry Diller and Mel Karmazin. You will have to talk to our agents. We will fight almost to the death. And your daughters are pigs.

To: (censored)@whitehouse.gov
My brother is a total asshole. He has no authority. I will surrender for just $20 million. All I want is safe passage to Rio for me and my brother's wife who I respect more than anyone in my life. She is beautiful and she needs money.

To:(censored)@whitehouse.gov
My brother has been killed in a bathroom accident. He sleeps with the camels. I am the only one you can deal with. That fucking faggot Diller is jerking us around like we just got off the camel caravan. What I want is $25 million, a guarantee that George Clooney will play me in the movie, screen writing credit, and total amnesty. I won't admit to any torture, rapes, dismemberments, or other so-called war crimes. Otherwise we fight to the end.

To:(censored)@msn.com
That fucking draft dodging liberal piece of shit Clooney gets bubkis. I don't care a rats ass if this war lasts fifty years. None of those Communist Hollywood scum bags gets so much as a sniff of the deal. Get ready to die. Maybe I could get Bruce Willis to play you.

To:(censored)@msn.com
We haven't received payment in two months and your internet service is hereby discontinued.
Regards: BGates@msn.com

We have no more emails.