U.S. FORCES ON HIGH ALERT

VIRGINS PROMISED IRAQI SOLDIERS WHO DIE IN BATTLE

Last ditch recruiting campaign covers entire Arab World

(Baghdad, March 30) Word from mosques around the world reveals that the US invasion of Iraq will cause the heroic deaths of many Iraqi soldiers, Fedayeen volunteers, and Republican Guards. These deaths will exhaust the supply of virgins in Paradise within three days. Mullahs and Imams have called upon virgins the world over to "do the right thing" and immediately kill themselves, preferably by weaponless means. Gas, poison, and over doses of medication are preferred. Girls are urged not to disfigure themselves by jumping out of windows, setting themselves on fire, or jumping in front of trains because war heroes don't want to have sex with ugly and disfigured virgins.

Sheik Omar el Abbib told a throng that was carried world wide on Al Jazeera television, "Ugly and disfigured women look like pigs. Heroes are forbidden to fornicate with pigs." He urged young girls to stay beautiful in death. Word from Allah received by Imams and Mullahs mentioned that the possibility exists that the virgin supply may still run out, so a standby rationing plan may go into effect limiting war heroes to 60, or in a worst case scenario 50, virgins in Paradise with an IOU for the balance issued by Allah himself. Iraqi soldiers, Fedayeen, Hamas, Egyptian Jihad, and other terrorists were guaranteed a ready supply even if some virgins might be a thousand years old. "They still look beautiful," said Aba ib Rashid from his tent outside of Lucerne in the Alps of Switzerland where he is attending a fashion show put on by super models who swear they aren't Jewish.

Fatwas have been issued guaranteeing that newly minted virgins will receive undreamed of rewards once they are in Paradise and have been pleasured by a hero. "Voting rights, the removal of scars caused by beatings, and even courses in reading and writing will be available to all," said a highly placed Mullah. A few may even be allowed to work in male dominated professions like ditch digging and date harvesting. Virgins are reported to be purchasing huge supplies of pain killers, prescription medications, and even some Zyklon gas left over from concentration camps. The gas is furnished free by German manufacturers in exchange for oil rights in whatever country remains after the Americans surrender. France is insisting that they be allowed to bid for "suicide assistance products" too. Developing........