BOMBSHELL--FRANCE HAS DISARMED IRAQ

A bombshell announcement today from Mon. Jean De Fope', Minister of Grey Market Trading for France. He stated that France has been using trade to disarm Iraq for the last ten years. His statement has rocked world financial markets.

Mon. De Fop (as Americans sneeringly refer to him) spoke while seated behind his massive mahogany desk as follows. "The French sold Mirage jets to the Iraq government. The Mirage is a 1980 fighter plane which has been outmoded for years. Using the business philosophy of Mon. Gillette from the U.S. which is "give them the razor and then sell them the blades" we French, who are much more sophisticated in such matters, went one better. "We sold them outmoded planes AND are selling them spare parts for planes that cannot stand up in modern battle. THAT is disarmament."

When asked if France has also disarmed most of Africa using similar tactics, he simply nodded from behind his desk and noted that France needed to invade some of their former colonies once in a while in order to save lives and it doesn't seem brilliant to have French fighting men killed by modern aircraft. "This makes it unnecessary to bother the UN in trivial matters when no lives are really at stake."

When asked about the oil deals the French have struck with Saddam, Mon. De Fop responded with a shake of his gorgeous long hair, "Another step for Peace. You don't understand the brilliant French mind, if we seem make a deal for oil, the Iraqis come to rely on us for our brilliant minds and superior culture. We take all their oil and refuse to sell it back to them. This is true disarmament."

When asked about the Germans selling poison gas, nuclear technology, and other devices designed to disarm Iraq, Mr. De Fop rose to his feet, zipped up his fly and presented Herr von Grovelmann who had been hiding under the desk the whole time. Von Grovelmann wiped his lips, placed an arm about Mon. De Fop's massive shoulders and explained the German position. "You fucking schwine hunts, you schizerkopfs, you blame Germany? The land of Goethe, Bismark, unt Schiller? Peace loving Germany? The materials were sold, not to Iraq, but to the Prince of Monaco who resold them to Chad, who resold them to some monkey in Cameroon, who resold them to Enron, and God only knows what happened then. Besides most of the poison gas is left over from 1944, designed to kill only stinking Jews and leave all other plants, animals, and human life unscathed. It has approval of the German Green Party, the purist environmental movement on the planet. The U.N. Wildlife Protection Bureau, the Human Rights Commission chaired by Libya and not France, and will soon have the approval of the UN Disarmament Commission chaired by Iraq and not Germany. Everybody loves zyclon gas except the Hitler like Americans and the Jews." Von Grovelmann started to extend his right arm outward in what appeared to be the start of the ancient Roman salute but was restrained by Mon. De Fop who kissed him lightly on the cheek and patted his head.

Mon De Fop closed the meeting with the statement that Iraq HAS been disarmed. "Disarmed by French business practices, as has most of the Third World..." and then he paused dramatically before continuing, "Most of the Third World other than England, which remains a problem."