ANOTHER COLUMN FROM SYLVIA, GOSSIP QUEEN OF THE WAR ZONE

Howls in the Persian Night

Hanky Panky in the War ZoneVol I Number 2

Red Hot Item 1 Relaxing at the posh Solanni's in Kuwait City after a week of grueling combat was Heiress to the fabulous Marghentti fortune, the always stunningly dressed Lt. Commander Dorice von Schniederman. Her Lovliness was having a not so secret rendezvous with her current heart throb Brad Pitt. Dorice was dressed to kill in her Celia Krithorioti designed U.S. Navy uniform daringly open all the way down the front so everyone could glimpse almost everything. The stripes on the arms were 24 karat gold laced with nearly 50 diamonds and her cap, complete with platinum eagle, impressed the local towel heads no end. Her skin tight pants still have heads spinning.

White Hot Item "No gays in the military" hasn't stopped a certain high ranking Ranger officer from holding hands with his new "aide" on the beach at Umm Qassr. They were spotted shooting seagulls and hugging, oblivious to the missile attack going on around them. Ain't love grand?

Red Hot Item Two A wave of gonorrhea has broken out in the second brigade up at As Samawah. Sgt. Maurine Albert allegedly caught the disease from a Bedouin while taking a quick bathroom break in the dunes and passed it around to her many close friends. NOW is flying in lawyers to defend her. This could get icky before it's over.

This Item is Re-Entry Hot Marine Corporal Murray Silverman used the big sandstorm to write a screenplay while hiding under a personnel carrier. He "pitched" the story to studio honchos on his cell phone and they bought it. Word is the movie, tentatively titled "Sandstorm", will be directed by Steven Spielberg and star Tom Hanks. Corporal Silverman is the stepson of studio chief Norman Bergman.

Red Hot Item 4 A nasty feud. has broken out between two Brit elite commando units. Will say no more but rumor has it that both units want Elton John as their mascot for a week. The trouble erupted when it is alleged that Sir Elton accepted both invitations. So far two have been wounded and a third had his anal canal damaged by a artillery shell. The circumstances are being investigated.

Scorcher of the DayFinally, the international furor over which famous Paris designer is responsible for the awful looking Iraqi chemical protective gear is threatening relations between France and Iraq. It is said that they look so retro that the Fedayeen terrorists refused to wear them. "We looked like a bunch of fucking Shia chickenshits" one of them said. That is why they were discarded all over the country. Saddam Hussein is reportedly so angry he may take his poison gas business back to Germany.