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IRAQ BEGS FOR AN OIL FOR HOOKERS PROGRAM

125,000 sex fiends have invaded our country.

Only drastic action can save us from a sexual holocaust.

AK-47's can't keep them away. Our Army couldn't keep them back. We need help right now. We have enough oil to import over 500,000 hookers from all over the world and pay them a thousand dollars a week for six months, plus whatever they can steal from the Americans. The hell with those pansies at the UN. We don't need food. We need salt peter for these animals.

How would you like it if 125,000 men under the age of 22 smiled at your daughters while pretending that the protuberance in their pants was a falafel? Leering calls of "Hey little girl, wanna see my Koran?" or "Hey, baby. Allah didn't say nothin' about gettin' naked in a hot tub.", are not welcome.

The world stood by while Saddam brutalized our country. Will it now stand by while Americans ejaculate their vile seed into the sacred wombs of Iraqi slut-hood? The time is rapidly approaching when a blow job for an Iraqi man will consist of an afternoon at a hair salon. A piece of ass will be a barbequed camel loin. Eating pussy will end up putting Iraqi cats on the endangered species list.

Sluts of the world! Sex workers of the world. Help us. Get rich. Testing HIV positive is no bar for employment.

FUCK THE AMERICANS-----------------ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT-----------------AND GET RICH

TRANSCRIPT OF A MID APRIL 2003 TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JACQUES CHIRAC AND SADDAM HUSSEIN. THE WAR IS GOING BADLY FOR IRAQ. FRANCE IS BEING REVEALED AS TREACHEROUS. CHIRAC WILDLY POPULAR IN FRANCE.

SADDAM: You lied to me.
JACQUES: I lie to everybody. I'm French.
SADDAM: You told me to trust the Russians
JACQUES: Somebody has to. God knows I'd never trust the bastards.
SADDAM: You told me you had secret information that....
JACQUES: You told me I'd have unlimited oil for twenty years. You lied to me.
SADDAM: I lie to everybody. I'm an Arab.
JACQUES: But when I lie my popularity soars. I'm so popular in France I could beat DeGaulle.
SADDAM: When I lie everybody thinks I'm telling the truth.
JACQUES: That's where you went wrong.
SADDAM: Wrong? To tell a lie and get away with it is wrong?
JACQUES: I tell lies and get caught and everybody loves me. That is the secret of politics.
SADDAM: I'll tell you a secret. Promise you'll never tell?
JACQUES: No.
SADDAM: No???
JACQUES: I'm lying.
SADDAM: Oh. So no means yes.
JACQUES: Now you sound French. What's the secret.
SADDAM: I know where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are.
JACQUES: I thought you told me you didn't have any.
SADDAM: I was lying.
JACQUES: So when I told the world you might have Weapons of Mass Destruction I was telling the truth?
SADDAM: Yes
JACQUES: I am ruined if this gets out.
SADDAM: No no. I am lying.
JACQUES: Oh. I understand.
SADDAM: The Americans are in full retreat. Do you know a good plastic surgeon?
JACQUES: I know a Jew who could do the job.
SADDAM: Perfect. Then I won't feel bad when I kill him after the operation.
JACQUES: So you believe me?
SADDAM: Of course not. I'll send you a couple of million.
JACQUES: I'll send you nobody. You are a pig.
SADDAM: And you are the son of a camel .
JACQUES: Glad we understand each other.
SADDAM: If Elvis Presley knocks on your door you'll know who it is.
JACQUES: Make it Martin Sheen. More modern.

Hang up

COUNTRY MUSIC TAKES OVER IN IRAQ Perhaps as a result of the American troops or perhaps because the people can now listen to any radio station they choose, Country Music has taken over. Local bands and local singers sing in Arabic with a country twang.

The Baghdad Top Ten
1. If this is where civilization was born how come the beer ain't cold?
The Infidel Molesters

2. If Mohammad had seen you naked baby, he'd a written a different book
B.J. binAri and the Bedoin Drifters

3. I killed tortured and raped but now the good times are gone
The Palace Dirt Band

4. Hello Mullah. Hello Fatwa. Here I am in camp Chilaqua
Ali bin Sherman al Fama (solo)

5. If Allah didn't want me to drink he'd close the bars at noon
The Prayer Rugs

6. They cut my privates off in prison but I can still bend over for you
The Muslim Gay Men's Chorus

7. It' was hard to be in Saddam's prison when I knew you was cheatin' with the guards
Mullah Devine

8. Yore camel smells better than the stories you bin tellin'
The Burka Bitches

9. The feelin between my legs ain't my camel honey
Big Saddam and the Tigress Studs

10. Your cell phone's workin' Big Man why ain't you?
Mosque Sluts

E X C L U S I V E

SNEAK PEEK AT HILLARY CLINTON'S NEW BOOK
My Struggle (working title, may have a problem in the German translation because "Mein Kampf" may get a bunch of Jews out of shape)

Chap I: How I overcame Senator Schumer and Mayor Giuliani and alone saved New York after 9/11 (A heroic and heart stirring start to a great book. How an innocent friendly remark about wops made the Mayor "crazy" and forced her to act. Created the great untold story of New York )

Chap II: How I saved 50,000 American Troops in Iraq

Chap III: How I helped millions of children starve to death in Zimbabwe (under revision)

Chap IV: How I saved thousands of homeless Taliban in Afghanistan (might be deleted)

Chap V: How I saved millions from SARS (could be rewritten to say hundreds of millions if she can do all the interviews)

Chap VI: How I saved hundreds of passengers on a plane being hijacked on 9/11 (currently Top Secret at the Pentagon because Rumsfeld hates powerful women)

Chap VII: How I personally helped every single family survivor of the 9/11 tragedy (Racist homophobic Republican survivors deny this and Chapter is at her lawyers)

Chap VIII: How I spend every waking hour caring for others less fortunate, gifted or brilliant than I (The Left Wing "Nation" magazine is so in love with this chapter they may reprint the whole chapter)

Chap IX: How I have stood up to dictators around the world at private dinners (She had concealed tape recorders at dinners with Chirac, Schroeder, Mugabe (she calls him "Muggie"), Chretien (of Canada) and others.)

Chap X: How I face death every day for taking a stand on women's rights in Republican states

Chap XI: How I alone exposed the corruption at the UN (the goods on phoney abortion clinics in Saudi Arabia, the shocking truth about the lack of organic food at refugee camps, and more)

Chap XII: How I alone restrained New York Jews from attacking Ariel Sharon at a bris for convicted serial killer

Chap XIII: How I got my husband elected to higher office two times (an affectionate look including the tragic death of Buddy the dog at the hands of a vindictive Monica Lewinsky who has yet to stand trial)

Chap XIV: How I helped the Yankees win the World Series (Castro can be a friend; the first revelation of the "pitcher for Florida Cuban big mouth" deal; how Cuban pitcher "El Duque" really came to the Yankees)

Chap XV: How I forced the Jets to draft Chad Pennington (a shocking revelation--is this her secret love?).

Chap XVI: Why I have refused to help the Knicks until they support late term abortions

Chap XVII: How I developed Humility

IRAQI "CARD DECK" OFFERED BRIBES TO SURRENDER
It has been revealed that Baath Party leaders only surrender after making "a deal". News of the inducements have led reporters on a merry chase trying to find out what they are. WE have found the list of "reasons" being offered to the at large Iraqi elite and publish them below.

REASONS TO SURRENDER TO THE AMERICANS

War Crimes Trials to he held in Berkeley.

All allegations of torture, rape, murder, and genocide to be reduced to a misdemeanor

All atomic bombs found in your homes will be inspected by Hans Blix

Your own weekly TV News show on CNN

Become a Human Shield in Tahiti

Two tickets to a Dixie Chicks concert

Membership in the Screen Actors Guild

Opportunity to join the Kerry Campaign for regime change.

Letters of apology and sympathy from: Dustin Hoffman, Martin Sheen, George Clooney, Jessica Lange and more than one hundred former anti-war celebrities now living in Damascus. Available immediately upon surrender.
Link to exclusive peek at Hilary Clinton's New Book

THE LEFT PUBLISHES THEIR RULES OF WARFARE
Major figures from Hollywood, Academia, and Media Publish Guidelines for War

1. Don't fight in any battles that might be on FOX News later.
2. Shooting Republican Guards is good.
Shooting Democratic Guards is bad
3. All cultures are equal; having your tongue cut out may mean something in Iraq that it doesn't' mean here. Don't be judgmental.
4. Never hurt anybody who can speak French
5. Be sure the zoo animals are fed before the starving people
6. If a Peace Marcher spits on you, be grateful you live in a country that tolerates traitors
7. Think of the environment. Never do number two on sand dunes
8. Saddam Hussein and George Bush are exactly the same way down deep. Saddam Hussein just seems nicer.
9. Torture chambers do not exist. Information retrieval salons may exist
10. Don't believe Donald Rumsfeld. If the Secret Police really existed nobody would know about them.
11. Movie Stars are your friends
12. Nobody likes a bad winner. Don't wave flags. Don't sing God Bless America. Be ashamed.
13. If you find a few hundred million dollars in a dog kennel God wants YOU to have it, not some towel head Muslim shithead

W A R N I N G

not funny, not humorous, just a real warning

P-R-I-N-T P-A-L

INTERNET CONSUMER FRAUD

They are the first eight entries on the Google PRINT PAL page and they have a paid green ad on the right.

They are the fourth entry on the Google PRINTER CARTRIDGE page and one of the paid ads.
They are the fifth entry on the Yahoo PRINTER CARTRIDGE page

My experience: they take your money and don't ship. They respond to nothing you send when you complain. They took $42 of my money. Do not let them do the same to you.

Company name: PRINT PAL

TELL YOUR FRIENDS

They ain't no pal of mine.

E-X-C-L-U-S-I-V-E----NEWS HEADLINES--CARD DECKS IN FRENCH EMBASSY---SECRET RUSSIAN DEFENSE PLANS---WMD
U.S. Marines breaking into the French Embassy in Baghdad have discovered packs of playing cards bearing the pictures of Bush Administration Officials...Developing....

Why did the Russians agree to plan the defense of Iraq with Saddam? To prove the sudden collapse theory they used in Eastern Europe still had legs.

What was the Iraqi soldiers battle cry? Don't shoot me I'm Israeli....

What weapons of mass destruction have been discovered so far? Corporation filings for Enron Iraq.

Just in: Recent barrels of pesticide found in cave wouldn't hurt a fly, say two prominent Hollywood Stars.

LINK HERE TO THE JESSICA LYNCH MOVIE SCREENPLAY
The move is ready to roll and it is RED hot. May have rating problem. Warning: R Rated for language, sexual situations, violence, and nudity. Otherwise it's PG35.

SUBSTITUTES FOR FRENCH PERFUMES
Boycott with confidence. Some American perfumes are just as good, if not better

FRENCH WEENIE VERSION: Original Estee-------Estée is composed of multiple floral accords containing Moroccan rose absolute, Russian coriander, and yugoslav moss combined with floral notes of tuberose, lily and jasmine. Carnation adds a spicy touch and sandalwood a woody facet. The whole creates a sumptuous bouquet.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Irving's Original:---------composed of various Central Park grasses, dandelions, New York daisies, and some chemicals that duplicate the various Euroweenie fake stuff. Trust us, this stuff will make you smell like a bitch in heat and will last long after you get laid. Use sparingly. There have been reports that a few elderly women wearing it have been gang banged in churches, and some mildly attractive women have had similar attentions at while strolling Fifth Avenue.

GUTLESS FROG VERSION: Chanel No 5:-----------A mythical perfume and the undisputed leader of creative fragrances, Chanel N°5 is the number one seller in the world. Mademoiselle Chanel (a Nazi collaborator and typical French uber bitch) had incorporated synthetic substances, aldehydes, in her formula – Blended with may roses and jasmine from Grasse, they form a mysterious and indefinable scent.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Texas Jack's Totally Awesome No.16:----------Based on the assumption that "No Texas babe wants to smell like a French whore", Texas Jack incorporated real substances like Texas Chili, Greasy Dick beer, blended with Texas cactus flowers, Mexican bougainvillea roots, and aldehydes. These substances form a totally unique and baffling scent that will give every man within ten feet a giant hard on. Prepare for total action with this scent. A steal at only $26 a pint. Compare with the French version at $35 per 1/4 ounce.

THE SURRENDER MONKEY VERSION: Arpege':------------The superb floral bouquet is composed of jasmine, rose, ylang ylang, tuberose, and lily-of-the-valley warmed by spices such as clove and coriander. The end note delivers a woody vanilla finish; Arpège was the first woman's perfume to contain so much sandalwood. The classic French scent.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Booty Juice No.2:----------Created by J.D. "The Bitch Stomper" Muhammad of the LA Crips. "Dis an abra-cadabra fo even a BAH bitch tuh have bandalu boys crawlin' to put dere soup coolers on any bitches roast beef curtains . Yo smell like a sherm stick so dey spooge in dere pants fum de nex' block." According to JD's marketing people the formula has a hint of angel dust, mixed with just a vague sense of cocaine and vintage hemp with a dominant odor of vaginal fluids that has men crawling to perform oral sex even toward the ugliest of "bitches". Competitvely priced at $40 per ½ ounce fob South Central Los Angeles.

BOYCOTT THAT FRENCH SHIT-------------BUY AMERICAN---------------FOR A WHILE ANYWAY

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A n n o u n c i n g

THE TIM ROBBINS WHINE-A-THON

ONE HOUR SPECIAL ON ALL NETWORKS (Except FOX)

Top Stars will Appear in Support of Tim Robbins, a man with real courage, not like those gutless Marines and Soldiers who killed Iraqi babies and poorly clad soldiers in this illegal war. Appearing will be more than fifty of your favorite Viet Nam War era draft dodging stars who explain how they know what real bravery is; how tough it is to march in the streets of America while sending others to die in their places. Stars will toast the brave peace marchers with French wine.

REAL BRAVERY IS GOING THROUGH DRUG REHAB
Here some of the harrowing stories from your favorite drug addicted stars.
"Weeks without latte'"
"Five agonizing days without a cell phone"
"My cell was decorated like a prison"


REAL HEROISM IS PAYING $100,000 A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT
Hear super stars tell how tough it is to pay off some uber bitch who screws everybody she meets.
Hear how some have to live in just one home because of some feminst judges
$750,000 per week sit com star tells of the greed of his ex.....

REAL COURAGE IS ACTING IN MOVIES
Hear your favorite stars relate how tough it is do obey no-talent directors and producers
Terrorists disguised as stars prowl studio lots
Agents pretending to be their friends

The Hollywood Left rises to support all our brave actors who stood alone in foreign countries that are hostile to the United States and shouted out their humiliation of being American, their hatred for President Bush, and renouncing their Texas heritage. Join with Tim Robbins in pledging to attend all movies starring or featuring: Jessica Lange, Barbra Striessand, Woody Harrelson, Martin Sheen, and hundreds of others who risked everything. Pledge to see their movies at least three times. And then rent them when they go to video.

THEY HAVE STOOD BY YOU.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO STAND BY THEM--VOTE THE WAY THEY TELLYOU TO---
AGAIN AND AGAIN

Read the proposed Hollywood Left screenplay synopsis here

BUSH AND CHIRAC SPEAK FOR FIRST TIME IN MONTHS

We have the transcript and we have the guts to print it

BUSH: What the fuck do you want, you frog piece of shit?

CHIRAC: Fuck you.

BUSH: No, no no. Fuck YOU.

CHIRAC: Not fuck ME, cowbody cocksucker. FUCK YOU

BUSH: Nono---Fuck you.

CHIRAC: No. Fuck you.

BUSH: FUCK you.

CHIRAC: Non, Non Monsour. FUCK YOU

Disconnect

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UDAY'S DATE BOOK----NOT A FAKE------THE ORIGINAL------IN HIS HANDWRITING


-------------------------OPENING BID MUST BE $500,000 OR HIGHER.--------------------------------------------------

Uday, The Beast of the East, The Hunk of Baghdad, "Juicer the Seducer" had a date book containing more than two thousand of the Arab World's most beautiful and desirable women, girls and children. Phone numbers, addresses, inside info on how he "got them", what they performed, and how they did. Here's what is contained in the near priceless list you are buying:

Over one hundred and twenty girls and children who will do "anything" for heroin.

More than fifty girls who will do anal if they see their parents strung up over an open fire.

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ALSO STRAIGHT FROM THE BAGHDAD LAIR OF UDAY THE COCK MEISTER

Two weeks before the invasion several suck up journalists who promised to report only the "right news" made a deal with Uday for a book on his techniques for seducing women. Our people found the rough draft in the ruins and we can present them to the public now.

UDAY'S MATING TIPS.

How to pick up women

What to say so they "put out" right away

The "Uday Way" of handling rejection (it won't happen twice)

How to tell her that her parents are dead---they never stop shaking, it's like being blown by a vibrator.

Killing her boy friend--the Right Way---The Uday way---wild sex from panic stricken sluts

Examples of sure fire sex lines from the Master

How to get oral sex the first date....
1. "Blow me bitch or my guards will rape you.
2. "Did you hear about the girl who refused to suck me and lived? Neither has anyone else

PLUS TWO HUNDRED AND SEVEN MORE POWER PACKED LINES GUARANTEED TO YIELD ORAL SEX ON THE FIRST DATE

How to get laid in your apartment on the first date

1. After she has passed out.

How to get them to crawl to you on their hands and knees "begging for it".

1. Complete instructions on where to place the pit bulls so there is only one safe place for her to go....

PLUS FIFTY OTHER "PLEASE DO ME" TECHNIQUES

This book is crammed to the gills with sex tricks that only Uday out of all the men on the planet earth has figured out. Now they can be yours. $35 plus $10 shipping. Please, no gays or perverts.

GET READY---- THIS WILL GO OFF THE MARKET AND STAY OFF.

RACIAL PROFILING IN BAGHDAD A FACT
War Funding Threatened by Liberals in Congress

A bombshell accusation by Liberal Groups that only Iraqis are being stopped in Baghdad was met by a stonewall response at a White House Press briefing this morning. Nancy Pelosi (D San Francisco) also charged that no abortion clinics have been set up in the combat areas in a blatant disregard for the world's women. Several Congressional Liberals claimed to have video tape of white Marines stopping Iraqi males while allowing white people in uniforms to pack guns and other weapons in plain sight. As one Congressional Black Caucus member it, "Yo, dis ain't a dope situation. Dese Afro-Saxon warriors is nothin' but doughnut punchin' racist punks assed out on their own selfs." His words were echoed by many in the Civil Rights establishment who acted like they knew what the Congressman was saying.

Other Democrats expressed similar ideas. "We don't want to impede the war effort," said a leading Democrat on the condition of anonymity, "But this has now degenerated into genocide against a particular racial and ethnic group. We have reports that only Arabs have been targeted by bombs, that only Arabic peoples have been killed by the mostly white troops in our armed forces.

ACLU attorneys will be filing suits on Monday to stop the war until these charges can be sorted out. "Minorities must be protected or we become Saddam ourselves," stated Barbara Boxer (D California), "the very thought that there are no toilets for women troops, that our women soldiers have been deprived of necessary make up kits, birth control pills, low cal food and drink, and gym workouts are proof that we are waging a racist and sexist war that must stop."

Democratic presidential candidates were not available for comment and one of them told CNN on the condition of anonymity that he may run for Vice President on the Republican ticket.

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IRAQI WAR HERO AWARDS INTERRUPTED BY BOMB STRIKE
Awards Ceremony being held in Baghdad restaurant ends in Chaos

List of Award Winners Below

Outstanding Surrender Award: Kahlid Muhammad XXIII of Basra. Kahlid used a giant white bed sheet seized from the Basra Sheraton Hotel and waved it at the British while his entire brigade, armed to the teeth, hid behind it. It was not his fault that his brigade opened fire and shot Mr. Muhammad in the back one hundred and seven times before joining the British Army. Award accepted over international telephone by Susan Sarandon.

Most Creative Use of Poison Gas: Salladin al-Maljid for getting his brigade to inhale Sarin gas and then run at the Americans with the purpose of kissing them on the lips and blowing the lethal substance into their lungs. The process still needs work. Award accepted for the late Mr. al-Majid by Monsieur Francois LeGrand who thanked one and all for their business.

Best Written Threat: Muhammad Muhammed of Um Umm in Northern Iraq at Kirkuk.. "Either surrender your entire army or we will set off the atomic bomb we have hidden inside the school at the corner of Huessien and HiWay 23." Unfortunately his troops read the threat before it was sent and deserted. Mr. Muhammed surrendered to 45,000 angry Americans.

Best Army: Republican Guard, Division IV. Pretending to be beaten for seven days so the Americans were lured into downtown Baghdad. The plan worked perfectly. Division IV commander General David Summers, who many in the audience felt might be an American Special Ops spy, received the award.

No further details til rubble is cleared.

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION MAY HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED

They will identify the substances as soon as they can find somebody who can read the French writing on the barrels......

E X C L U S I V E
HOLLYWOOD MOURNS DEATH OF CHEMICAL ALI
Maligned Iraqi General Unfairly Smeared by Bush Administration was a True Patriot

Los Angeles April 5 (DP) Any hope of Republican support from the Hollywood Elite has faded with the deliberate murder of General Ali Hassan al-Majid by American night flying terrorist dive bombers. Several female stars caught mourning at Moonshadow in Malibu over low cal daquiris stated that General al-Majid has been smeared by the fictitious President of the United States. "Chemical Ali" is a misunderstood man and not a person who used poison gas and chemicals. The Defense Department used these unproven accusations as a ruse to support his cold blooded murder.

A anti war high school drop out and major star who declined to be quoted directly stated that "They did it by bombing his home in the middle of the night. This was a KKK hit by a couple of red necks who hid their faces behind goggles and helmets. If the World Court has any credibility these animals will be prosecuted for a War Crime." The remarks were echoed from Beverly Hills to Brentwood, from Tarzana to Malibu as Hollywood mourned.

Regarded in most circles here as simply a patriot with a strong sense of duty and a patron of the arts who could always be counted on for bridge loans to complete a movie and provide palaces overlooking the Euphrates River to certain movie stars on vacation. His influence in the music business has long been known and he will be missed. Rumors circulating that Barbra Streisand would sing a eulogy as a fund raiser for the Democratic Party to be carried on PBS could not be verified at press time.

Several big names stated that the Republicans could kiss Hollywood support goodbye in 2004. Many feel that this is proof that George Bush is a murderer and the country will follow Hollywood in defeating him. San Francisco Democrats have promised their enthusiastic support.

{Rated R for language and nudity

BIDDING ON THE JESSICA LYNCH STORY COMES FROM HOLLYWOOD
Keep in mind that the Hollywood Left probably hates her and that they will try to keep their box office grosses very high in Euroweenieville, here is a synopsis of the screenplay.

AMERICAN PATRIOT PRODUCTIONS (Newly Formed). Song for Movie Attached

Synopsis of Film: Little Jessica begins the film as a perfectly beautiful young girl filled with hopes and dreams. These dreams are shattered when she finds that the Court Appointed President of the United States, George W Bush (played by VING RHAMES in his best performance since the evil Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction) and his Fascist Administration has cut off her family from all Welfare and school lunch assistance. The dialogue is a direct copy of the Marcellus Wallace dialoge in Pulp Fiction to show what a low life President Bush is.

PRESIDENT BUSH: (RHAMES speaking on phone with little Jessica, the SHOT is from behind like in Pulp Fiction) "...... that's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life, but it's a fact of life your little ass is gonna hafta git realistic about. This world is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers who thought their ass aged like wine and deserved help from the government. You get shit. Get used to it. Join the motherfuckin army."

This is followed by a beautiful and tearful scene between little Jessica and her poor but principled anti-war mother (played by JESSICA LANGE). Little Jessica is forced to confront a future as either prostitution on the mean streets of New York (played by CHATSWORTH CALIFORNIA) or as an indentured quasi-slave in the U.S. military. Her over sensual mother is having an affair with a malevolent Army recruiter (ETHAN HAWKE) to whom she reveals her daughter's predicament. The Evil Hawke slips a drug into little Jessica's Diet Snapple, takes her to his office and tricks her into enlisting, promising her wealth beyond her wildest dreams.. Once in basic training, the eighteen year old Jessica, a life long Liberal Democrat not willing to kill so much as a fly, tells her superiors that she has always wanted to be a car mechanic so as not to be involved in the murder of innocents. Two vicious super patriot bull dyke lesbian drill sergeants (ELLEN DEGENERES and ANNA NICOLE SMITH) tell her she might be allowed to be a mechanic if "she cooperates". In a major dramatic scene Jessica shows the first signs of her bravery when she refuses to go along, and squeezes Smith's head between her legs when Smith tries to "go down" on her as DeGeneres attempts to beat her with an empty machine gun ammo belt. Her totally Right Wing and viciously anti-Muslim lecherous company commander (HARVEY KEITEL) catches them together and, pretending a fatherly interest in her, assigns her to the motor pool and mechanic training. After the assignment Keitel and Nicole Smith have a positively evil love scene (toned down to plain oral and anal sex in U.S. to earn a PG rating). Keitel agrees to allow the later assignment of poor Jessica to the first "fucking battle" that shows up in exchange for "servicing" of his evil desires. But Keitel isn't through with Jessica. In a brilliant "film noir" sequence in the secret cellar of the base Officers Club, it's walls decorated with fascist war heroes like Lincoln, and George Washington, Keitel attempts to hook poor little Jessica on heroin. In another marvelous display of her future bravery Jessica gets hysterical when she sees the needle and makes so much noise Keitel has to stop. Keitel returns her upstairs to join the big party attended by leering pro war neo-cons from various Right Wing magazines and talk radio shows.

The second the war breaks out Anna Nicole has Keitel send "that stinking slut" into the War Zone. Once in the war zone the peace loving Jessica is shown happy as a clam fixing tanks and making friends with the male chauvinist crew (played by ROB LOWE, VIN DIESEL, and a delightfully funny ADAM SANDLER). Peaceful little Jessica and the warlike Diesel seem to be attracted to each other and in a lovely little scene their attraction is interrupted when Sandler, test driving a tank they have just repaired, loses control and sends the couple fleeing. The resulting crash of the Sandler driven tank into the headquarters of the Republican War Hawk and Rumsfeld lackey, General Tommy Franks (CHRISTOPHER WALKEN playing the murderous psycho general in a brilliant turn) is a turning point in the film as Franks immediately assigns the crew to the front lines in the middle of "Eyefucking-Rack". Several uproariously funny sequences in which Lowe and Sandler run over and crush a couple of sleeping Bedouins and drunkenly assault a Muslim mullah ("Surrender, Towel Headed Fuck, or you will be praying with the fishes."), intercut with scenes of Jessica and Diesel talking of peace and their anti-War sentiments on the dunes (Diesel: "Your gorgeous little melons make me dream of peace." Jessica: "I'm still a virgin but if I wasn't I'd fuck your brains out.") These scenes innocuously lead into the foursome taking a "wrong turn" and running into an entire company of Republican Guard regulars. The battle in which Jessica alone survives while defending herself til she is out of ammunition is positively Spielbergian in its graphic violence; Diesel's guts exploding in slow motion from ten different angles is an anti-war statement for the ages. The travails of poor Jessica who is captured, stripped naked, and beaten unmercifully by her captors; played again by HARVEY KIETEL and VING RHAMES in a brillaint piece of political film statement that makes us realize that her real captors are not Iraqi sadists or the government of Iraq, but in reality she is the slave of the illegal Administration and the vicious American Military war machine. Her rescue is accomplished when an ACLU Iraqi lawyer (MARTIN SHEEN) living near her place of capture tips off some approaching American thugs. Sheen is forced to march back and forth through combat to get the plans of the prison and only because of threats from some brave liberal CNN newsmen do the Marines agree to rescue her. She is rescued while tied to a rack, writhing naked and smeared with Iraqi crude oil so her heaving breasts glisten under the flashlight probes.

Film is already being hailed in both France and Germany as the salvation of Hollywood Cinema because of its truthfulness, and the fact that is was financed in part with French money.

Song for Movie written by Bad Ass Joe Malvo of the rap group "Bush is a Prick"

JESSICA BABY, YOU A REAL STONE BITCH copyright killcops music

(Continuing background chant under main lyrics) Oh no/Don't torture me---Oh no/ Don't torture me.

She's just a baby/ pure as can be
Sent in to Eye-rack/ to make history
She didn't know she was brave....
Jessica Baby, you a Real Stone Bitch

She didn't want to/ kill no Eye-Rackies
She just wanted /to look cool in khakis
She didn't know she was brave
Jessica baby, you a real stone bitch

Sent to the front/ to be a mean motherfucker
By that shithead in DC/a lowlife dick sucker
Bush turned that baby intoooooo
Jessica Baby, you a real stone bitch.

Beaten whipped and tortured/she cried the night long
Knowing Peace was better/ and that this war was wrong
Knowing Bush was evil/ and should be left in a ditch
Jessica Baby, you a real stone bitch.

(Background comes loud into foreground and very slow) Oh Noooooo, Don't Torture Me.....
Orders for more than 1.2 million copies are already in.

LIBERAL MEDIA COVERS THE FALL OF BAGHDAD

New York
U.S. forces finally brought Baghdad under control after a war that lasted days longer than expected. This failure to advance as quickly as planned has resulted in a huge blow to America and Democracy world wide. The Administration will have a lot to answer for.....

Los Angeles
In a stunning defeat for the U.S. policy of quick warfare, Baghdad fell today after a prolonged war of several weeks that threatens to destroy the U.S. economy. Hollywood military expert Jeanane Garofolo states that the plans were ill thought out, poorly executed, and predicted the ousting of the incompetent Bush Administration. Ed Asner, a major Hollywood military strategy expert, declared the war a pathetic failure.....

San Francisco
U.S. troops took over the last Iraqi bastion today and immediately began to harass Baath Party members. Information Retrieval Workers have been marked as "torture chamber operators" without a grain of proof. So called witnesses claim to have no tongues so accusations are written out. American troops are viewed as gangsters in most parts of the U.S. and the Arab World.....

CBS, NBC, ABC POOL FEED
U.S. finally wins war against a poor and weak country that fought bravely and well against a brute force unmatched in history. The U.S. can take no pride in destroying a weak little country for no reason other than oil........

FRANCE
We agree with everything the American press says and can only regret that ignorant people may think that America actually won......

THE ULTIMATE FEAR TRIGGER
A Chinese guy sitting next to you on a plane who suddenly starts coughing uncontrollably.

SARS?