NEW JERSEY MAFIA CLAIMS BAGHDAD NOW SAFE
Guido "Stone Heart" Pugliazzi of Camden reported that Baghdad was quiet. "We gave a couple of strip clubs to some of the mullahs, we gave some girls who will put out for a few dinars if they know what's good for them to a couple of our friends, we showed some guys who shall remain nameless how to run a betting joint and make a killing no matter what, and we acquainted twenty or thirty of them with The Really Great Satan may they rest in peace."

The State Department bureaucrats, when asked to explain the sudden order in a capital city that until last night had been violent, replied that their policy of allowing Iraqis to solve their own problems had bourne fruit. Jack Daniels the assistant to the First Assistant to the Assistant Head of State Department Inter-Iraq Re-construction Administration a 150,000 person agency with Headquarters in Cancun and offices in Basra, Baghdad, Mosul, Kuwait City, and Monaco announced that he was "pleased that only twenty or twenty five bodies had been found stuffed into garbage cans overnight with their arms broken and faces smashed beyond recognition as the best sign of peace in Baghdad in three weeks." He said things were so nice that young girls could now walk the streets without fear and pointed to thirty or more scantily clad young girls on the street in front of his office as proof. "A few little fights broke out over some soccer game bets that resulted in a minor gun fight, but that is to be expected when freedom suddenly happens."

As far as the contaminated water supply affecting people Daniels was thrilled that the population seemed to prefer whiskey, wine, and other beverages to water anyway. "And the little kids being drunk is actually an old custom in Iraq and we shouldn't try to impose our value system on them. When they start to vomit and pass out the new freedom they now have allows their parents to just laugh and drink more wine."

Daniels is looking forward to getting back home now that Baghdad is safe.

WEEKEND HEADLINES
New Jersey Mafia declares Baghdad now safe
Senator Kerry's wife to change name from Heinz to Del Monte
Jayson Blair hired by ENRON

Other Headlines Developing
Saudis Agree to Elections
Saudi citizens will be allowed to vote if they qualify under a new edict issued today. Males with a net worth of $1billion, no job, and a pair of sunglasses that cost at least $500 will be eligible.

French Surrender
Terms will be announced by Monaco later today.

Al Sharpton Opposed
The appearance of other candidates designed only to deprive me of the nomination, says Al. Their appearance proves Democrats only pay lip service to Affirmative Action and Diversity

STUPID MOVIE STAR QUOTE FROM THE PAST: George Clooney: "I believe he (Bush) thinks this [war against Iraq] is a war that can be won, but there is no such thing anymore. We can't beat anyone" anymore."

CHARITIES PANIC OVER REVELATIONS THAT SECOND HAND SMOKE IS HARMLESS
New York May 17th UP
Jayson Blair, special to ELG
"We have been targeted by the international Right Wing conspiracy," stated one charity with links to a hundred million dollar fund raising operation. Second hand smoke, which many lawyers hope will become the mother lode, "is the main cause of lung cancer in the world today and we don't care what a bunch of drug addicted communist scientists from LA say about anything," said Irving Slutnik an attorney from New York.

An emergency meeting of 100 charities responsible for the distribution of more than a billion dollars in government funding and contributions from the public is taking place at the Cancun Ritz Carlton over the weekend. Charitable contributions will pay for the meeting. The Second Hand Smoke Death Watch is prepared to expose this phony research whether it is true or not.

Several cities have ordinances pending that will require all smokers to inhale their smoke and hold their breath for ten seconds so that exhalation will produce no harmful "exhaust" (smoke). Meanwhile the two elderly males who were caught red handed blowing smoke rings outside a courtroom in New York City face criminal charges. Two alleged Mafia hoodlums collapsed when inhaling the smoke rings so the two elderly men may face civil rights prosecution as well (Mafia members are covered under the Civil Rights act as a protected minority in New York City).

Additional information on the effects of second hand smoke are emerging from the Illinois "Powder Puff Football Game" trial. Two defense lawyers are claiming the children became helplessly aggressive because of the second hand smoke blown in their faces by a child molester who was watching the game, smoking, and masturbating at the same time. The syndrome, known as the Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry reaction, is named after the wife of Senator Kerry. Mrs. Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry (Dakota Souix call her "Seven Names") got this disease because of her continual exposure in "smoke filled rooms" while her former husband was fixing elections. The syndrome will be offered as a defense. The children, all over 17 but as offspring of the rich qualify as children til they are old enough to inherit their parent's money, will fight the charges all the way to the Supreme Court.

The report HERE, is being squelched by all responsible news agencies. Only Rush Limbaugh (a rumored child molester, Nazi, religious fanatic, gun owner, Repubican, and football fan) together with the entire British press (notoriously effete and supporters of Saddam) have dared to publish these libelous reports. The reports will not be allowed in court. The prosecutors are sworn to uphold the right of charities to extract billions for further research. All judges in Illinois are sworn to protect juries from the harmful effects of science.

"America will never be prey to scientific research" exclaimed Assistant D.A. Alfred Nobel.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING FUNNIER ANYWHERE THAN THE TRUE PRESS ACCOUNTS OF FRANCE BEING WRONGED BY THE BUSH WHITE HOUSE, EMAIL ME. Links start at Drudge and continue everywhere.

JAYSON BLAIR'S LAST ARTICLE This was to be filed shortly before Jayson Blair, the greatest young minority writer in America, was summerily discharged from the Right Wing New York Times. The sheer genius of his writing, his ability to communicate feelings, his sentence structure and uses of punctuation, particulary his use of the comma to convey the confusion in Pakistan; and his rare gift for discription are always present in this, his final byline for the New York Times.

Bin Laden a Heroic Figure Even in Decline in this ESCLUSIVE interview
by Jayson Blair, special to the New York Times

(Somewhere in Pakistan, May 5) All of his six foot seven inch frame, filled the entrance to the secret cave, I had been taken to, blind folded, hands cuffed in front of me, by camel, from a secret outpost in Afghanisgtan. I was shivvering but Osama binLadin shook not at all, a tower of menace, kindly loving eyes cast upon my humble being a black man in a world of bigotry and hate..

He squatted regally, like a King on an invisible throne, and asked me do you smoke black infidel pig? I told him that tobacco, niccotine, liquor, and drugs of any kind never passed my lips he nodded and smiled knowing he could talk to me man to man in complete confidence not knowing I had a tape recorder concealed inside one of my false molars at great prsonal risk of dying a horrible death.

He began to speak of the desert, not Palm Springs but of Arabia and the "Allah cursed Saudi family and their pig ugly women in Switzerland, their whores in Paris, and their sisters all over the globe who need oil money to sustain their lifestyles, their clothing bills, and other things I will not mention." I wasn't shocked because I am a man of the mean streets, the ghettos spawned by the evil Bush Administration, the discrimination in employment practiced by white America except at the New York Times, the end of the rainbow, the bottom of the abyss, and the rhelm of Kodor. Bin Ladin spoke of peace without America, without the evil George Bush, and I was reminded of my mother back in Philadelphia or somewhere playing tennis with a pimp and hoping her jones for the evil weed didn't devour her before she could cop some skank and binLadin would understnand with those loving eyes and maybe blow up the tennis courts for her.

Then he abruptly rose and disappeared into the night a figure of power and hope for the masses, a figure of fear for, George Bush and the gutless Republicans in Washington, would rue the day for, and would fight to the ends of the earth and never win nothing.

By Jayson Blair

RUMORS OF UGLY VIRGINS IN PARADISE CAUSED IRAQI ARMY DEFEAT???

"Yes" say Iraqi POWs. Visions of starving Ethiopian women as potential sex partners in Paradise infected the dreams of soldiers. "It would be like deflowering an arrow", said one former soldier

"We lost all motivation", said Kalid el Salaam ibbid Boner a Fedayeen Fanatic turned runaway. "I was willing to die for hot sex with Harem Bunnies but when I learned they were women nobody in Paradise would invade with their swelled poles of manhood I became a testosterone free zone."

Word that they were getting the "rejects" and the "K-Mart mark downs" spread like wildfire two days after the invasion. One vicious rumor suggested the Virgins were lesbians and would only be available for oral sex, a disgusting practice to Muslim men. "We were vomiting all over the American tanks," said one. "We couldn't fire our weapons. Have you ever seen what women look like down there? I became so depressed I wanted to live."

The Syrian terrorists were particularly affected. "When the American planes attacked, my beautiful penis wept", said one former rabid terrorist. "My underwear turned brown inside. I was going to die and be forced to insert my beautiful weapon into the loins of a swine. I am still weeping."

The entire Muslim world is now awaiting Fatwas from Muslim clerics in the Mid-East. What exactly do these virgins look like? is the question on the lips of every Muslim terrorist. Visions of elderly sex fiends with shriveled breasts and bad breath is not likely to motivate fighting men to die. Word that Hollywood anti-war movie stars may become available is the only good news terrorists have had in a month.

Developing.........

WEEKEND HEADLINES

Democrats accuse Bush of living in White House without paying rent
France Surrenders
Russians discover oil in Iraq

OTHER NEWS

Laci Peterson Seen Having Lunch with O.J. Simpson Shortly Before her Death. In a bombshell revelation from accused slayer's lawyer Paul Gallegos, several people have come forth linking the former football great with the crime. "Cops didn't even attempt to question him," says Gallegos.

Democratic Tax Plan Leaked Tax breaks for lawyers, teachers, and union leaders wins wide support among Trial Lawyers, Teachers Unions, and Labor.
.
Democrats claim Iraq War launched without gaining the proper Environmental Impact Reports. Democrats vow full investigation. Noise levels reportedly deafening, far exceeding acceptable limits. Bombing reportedly damaged trees in Baghdad Park. Marin County votes to impeach President. Nancy Pelosi sobs at news conference over animals at zoo. McCauliff sees big trouble for Bush

ALERT

POWDER PUFF FOOTBALL WILL NOW BE FEDERALLY REGULATED
Democrats, energized by the brutality and insensitivity of the Powder Puff Football Game in a suburban Illinois school district, have proposed "cutting edge" legislation.

"This will be our cutting edge issue for 2004," said a leading Democrat. "This, combined with the Bush trip to the aircraft carrier, the runaway dog food expenses at the White House, the fact that albinos have no visible place in the Administration, and the fact that prostitutes may spread venereal diseases are what Americans want to address.

The Powder Puff Bill (HR-4225777632-188A) co-sponsored by Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Barbara Boxer (D-CA), Nancy Pelosi (D-SFran a separate state), and Henry Waxman (D-CA) spells out the rules and conditions under which a Powder Puff Football game can take place. Included in the Bill are the following:

1. No prolonged breast "tagging" that might be construed as fondling or foreplay;

2. Feces may be used as a "tagging" device provided they are not thrust into the actual face of the ball carrier. The head, the rest of the body, and stuffing them in the mouth of a downed plaer will be permitted. Feces must not be so hard as to cause brain injuries or so soft as to soil clothing, may be used instead of a two hand "tag" on a ball carrier;

3. Only two 12 ounce beers per player allowed, more only if keg will allow even distribution to all players, players refusing to drink beer subject to expulsion from game;

4. Bashing with dead fish weighing more than three pounds will result in ejection from game.

5. Jumping up and down on another player while said player is held face down in the mud by other players will only be allowed if in retaliation for insensitive insults to a racial minority (Minority as defined in Secret Senate Rule 44-6573-A, 2,026 pages available for $25 payable to DNC);

6. Head bashing with objects like hammers, tire irons, and chains will be discouraged unless all races and religious creeds approve;

7. Abortion providers must be stationed on each sideline and available to all players;

The rule that the Federal Government will pick up all medical expenses may not pass muster with Right Wing reactionary Republicans.

Dems feel this will be "THE" issue for 2004.

MISSING IRQI MUSEUM ARTIFACTS INDEXED
1. A May 1953 Mad Magazine in mint condition
2. Menu from the Tigress Hotel and Spa where Alexander the Great killed his waiter.
3. A clay statue of Ramadam a Dingdong dating to Darius the Great
4. Four gold statues of Heidi Fliess
5. The oldest known French surrender document circa 2700 B.C.
6. The oldest known vibrator; a priceless dead humming bird mummy. Ancient Iraqi women used to place a humming bird under their dresses and let the beating wings do the dirty work.
7. An NFL football signed by the 1974 Oakland Raiders.
8. The Rugeaters, a 2,500 year old cave drawing depicting the first lesbian encounter

MUSEUM OFFICIALS REFUSED FURTHER DOCUMENTATION.

LAFF OF THE DAY, OR MAYBE THE WEEK Click HERE Go ahead and follow the clicks it is 100% safe.

GIANT PRAYER VIGIL FOR UNKNOWN HOMELESS BUM IN MODESTO
More than 5,000 sobbing people jammed a Salvation Army Shelter to mourn Jessie "Deadbeat Charlie" Annerson, the man found choked to death two months ago in a Modesto farm produce shed. Annerson was mourned by county leaders and state officials who made it known that the absence of anyone from the Bush Administration showed how uncaring they really are. There have been reports circulating the Right Wing Talk Show circuit that Annerson, an alcoholic, and a drug addict when he could afford to be, actually choked on his own vomit while in a drunken stupor. These reports have been discounted by the press and media here as Right Wing propaganda.

A $25,000 reward has been posted for his killer. NPR has vowed to match that figure so the reward is now $50,000, an amount that brought additional tears to the eyes of mourners. Seven of the Democratic Presidential candidates made an appearance while two, Mosley Braun and Joe Lieberman, sent floral arrangements. Kerry, a decorated Viet Nam War veteran, declared that the absent Lieberman and Braun showed an insensitivity to little people and that perhaps one of them thought attending Temple was more important.

Annerson left two children who are in foster homes and have declared that they hate Annerson and that they're glad he's dead. These remarks have been called unacceptable by local Democratic groups. The children may be remanded to the Mental Health Facility at an unknown location til they change their mindsets. Officials say the children have been put on intensive medication and locked in their rooms with no TV for a week.

Weekend Headlines

LATE BREAKING
Bush White House to Declare WWII Combat against Germany is Over
Defense Department announces "Glitches" in Development of Plutonium Sniffing Dogs.
Human Shields in Samoa Resent Ridicule

OTHER HEADLINES LAST NIGHT
FAILURE TO HAVE FOOTAGE ON NEW LOOTING IN IRAQ MAY COST REPORTERS THEIR JOBS
Network biggies threaten all reporters unless they deliver new footage of rioting and looting. "We all know what is going on", says one on condition of anonymity. "The Administration is deliberately supressing news of the riots, looting, and criminality. We will find this activity. I guarantee it."


DEMS SAY ZERO TERROR ATTACKS SINCE 9/11 IN U.S. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
"There could have been terror attacks and that's what counts. Not stupid statistics taken out of context.

"WINNING TWO WARS IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS A PHONY STATISTIC", SAY DEMS
"Stats could have been much different had we fought China, Russia, and North Korea", say Democrats. "Let's fight a couple of real powers til we let Bush brag."

HEALTH CARE CRISES IN BEVERLY HILLS AND PALM BEACH SPUR REFORMS
Two Beverly Hills couples who have seen their 401ks drop in value from $40 and $55 million respectively to a "paltry" few hundred thousand can't pay for health care without selling their second homes. "This is a health care crises of major proportions," declared Barbara Boxer (D- CA). "These people are very close to living on their bond incomes. The costs of their drugs, private care at Cedars Sinai, and kennel bills for their dogs while they are hospitalized threaten to destroy them."

DEMS OPPOSE SECRET WAR
A secret war being waged against secret enemies have the Democrats in an uproar. "Bush won't even name the enemy til the war is over and won," moan top Dems.

REPUBLICANS SCREAM "FOUL" OVER MEDIA COVERAGE All major networks except FOX report unemployment figures for April "There's a hell of a lot more happening domestically, than these figures. They are lagging indicators anyway", say GOP insiders. "Nobody mentions the fact that the hiring of maids is up 8% and prison guard hirings are up 41%. The liberal media only concentrate on the negative."

UN HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION REPORTS DICTATORSHIPS HAVE HIGHER LIVING STANDARDS THAN U.S. No surprises in report say France and Germany EU, swayed by report, may eliminate elections. Talking to former royal family of the Hapsburg Dynasty about new government. May start with Frederick the XXI now living in the Bronx.

ANTI-WAR CELEBS PLANNING TO SUPPORT A CANDIDATE Most Dems seem reluctant to accept endorsements by Lange, Sarandon, Harrelson, and the rest. "There is no way a candidate can refuse to be endorsed," says Tim Robbins. "This is McCarthyism at its worst."

CHEER UP
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Don't you just love it when stupid people AND stupid animals lose?

THE FIRST MEETING OF THE NEW FRENCH, GERMAN, BELGIUM MILITARY ALLIANCE TOOK PLACE TODAY. THEY AGREED ON THE FOLLOWING:

1. The stealth Citroen was approved on a voice vote.

2. The construction of an aircraft carrier with a draft shallow enough to allow it to cruise up and down the Rhine River was approved. (Plans to berth it in Switzerland were tabled)

3. Unanimously agreed that Jews could only serve as cooks, janitors, and atomic scientists

4. War against America was tabled. It was suggested that the New Alliance find some Arab stooge to attack in their place. No Arab state responded to repeated phone calls.

5. It was determined that all ammunition must conform to EU standards. Every piece of ammo must be calibrated in millimeters and not caliber; all ammo must be clearly labled and bar coded; the color of the cartridge must differ from the bullet sufficiently to be recognizable so that new recruits would be less likely load them into their guns backwards; the cartridge must contain the word "cartridge" in three languages to include French and German; the bullet must be clearly marked with arrows indicating the direction the bullet will go when leaving the casing. In addition all firearms must be registered and the tax paid on each. Any soldier found with an unregistered weapon will face courts martial.

6. The money for the Military will come from a tax on ideas. Anyone with an idea must register with the Ministry of Ideas and that person will be issued a permit after paying a tax. A person with a Really New Idea will have to appear before a magistrate who will determine the tax. The magistrate will then refer the person to the Ministry of Ideas for a special permit. Ideas can only be expressed during the hours of 0800 and 1800 Brussels time. Violation of the time constraints will result in a fine not to exceed the tax. People having Dangerous Ideas, herein defined as challenging the authorities, advocating any U.S. Constitutional ideas, or any ideas than might upset anyone in a minority status (definition of minority to be published in book form after a meeting of the EU Parliament) will be required to: (a) register the Dangerous Idea(s) with the Ministry of Anti- Terrorism; (b) the persons will then be able to express these ideas only between the hours of 0100 and 0130 each weekday morning in the gardens of the Castle Chateau de Seneffe. Should taxes on ideas be insufficient to fund the military, fees for Writing Things Down will be enacted.

And finally it was agreed that killing people will not be permitted unless the person killed had failed to pay the "Idea Tax", the "Weapons Fees" or was an American. Or looked Jewish.

The World Awaits.

Advertisement

IRAQ BEGS FOR AN OIL FOR HOOKERS PROGRAM

125,000 sex fiends have invaded our country.

Only drastic action can save us from a sexual holocaust.

AK-47's can't keep them away. Our Army couldn't keep them back. We need help right now. We have enough oil to import over 500,000 hookers from all over the world and pay them a thousand dollars a week for six months, plus whatever they can steal from the Americans. The hell with those pansies at the UN. We don't need food. We need salt peter for these animals.

How would you like it if 125,000 men under the age of 22 smiled at your daughters while pretending that the protuberance in their pants was a falafel? Leering calls of "Hey little girl, wanna see my Koran?" or "Hey, baby. Allah didn't say nothin' about gettin' naked in a hot tub.", are not welcome.

The world stood by while Saddam brutalized our country. Will it now stand by while Americans ejaculate their vile seed into the sacred wombs of Iraqi slut-hood? The time is rapidly approaching when a blow job for an Iraqi man will consist of an afternoon at a hair salon. A piece of ass will be a barbequed camel loin. Eating pussy will end up putting Iraqi cats on the endangered species list.

Sluts of the world! Sex workers of the world. Help us. Get rich. Testing HIV positive is no bar for employment.

FUCK THE AMERICANS-----------------ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT-----------------AND GET RICH

TRANSCRIPT OF A MID APRIL 2003 TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JACQUES CHIRAC AND SADDAM HUSSEIN. THE WAR IS GOING BADLY FOR IRAQ. FRANCE IS BEING REVEALED AS TREACHEROUS. CHIRAC WILDLY POPULAR IN FRANCE.

SADDAM: You lied to me.
JACQUES: I lie to everybody. I'm French.
SADDAM: You told me to trust the Russians
JACQUES: Somebody has to. God knows I'd never trust the bastards.
SADDAM: You told me you had secret information that....
JACQUES: You told me I'd have unlimited oil for twenty years. You lied to me.
SADDAM: I lie to everybody. I'm an Arab.
JACQUES: But when I lie my popularity soars. I'm so popular in France I could beat DeGaulle.
SADDAM: When I lie everybody thinks I'm telling the truth.
JACQUES: That's where you went wrong.
SADDAM: Wrong? To tell a lie and get away with it is wrong?
JACQUES: I tell lies and get caught and everybody loves me. That is the secret of politics.
SADDAM: I'll tell you a secret. Promise you'll never tell?
JACQUES: No.
SADDAM: No???
JACQUES: I'm lying.
SADDAM: Oh. So no means yes.
JACQUES: Now you sound French. What's the secret.
SADDAM: I know where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are.
JACQUES: I thought you told me you didn't have any.
SADDAM: I was lying.
JACQUES: So when I told the world you might have Weapons of Mass Destruction I was telling the truth?
SADDAM: Yes
JACQUES: I am ruined if this gets out.
SADDAM: No no. I am lying.
JACQUES: Oh. I understand.
SADDAM: The Americans are in full retreat. Do you know a good plastic surgeon?
JACQUES: I know a Jew who could do the job.
SADDAM: Perfect. Then I won't feel bad when I kill him after the operation.
JACQUES: So you believe me?
SADDAM: Of course not. I'll send you a couple of million.
JACQUES: I'll send you nobody. You are a pig.
SADDAM: And you are the son of a camel .
JACQUES: Glad we understand each other.
SADDAM: If Elvis Presley knocks on your door you'll know who it is.
JACQUES: Make it Martin Sheen. More modern.

Hang up

COUNTRY MUSIC TAKES OVER IN IRAQ Perhaps as a result of the American troops or perhaps because the people can now listen to any radio station they choose, Country Music has taken over. Local bands and local singers sing in Arabic with a country twang.

The Baghdad Top Ten
1. If this is where civilization was born how come the beer ain't cold?
The Infidel Molesters

2. If Mohammad had seen you naked baby, he'd a written a different book
B.J. binAri and the Bedoin Drifters

3. I killed tortured and raped but now the good times are gone
The Palace Dirt Band

4. Hello Mullah. Hello Fatwa. Here I am in camp Chilaqua
Ali bin Sherman al Fama (solo)

5. If Allah didn't want me to drink he'd close the bars at noon
The Prayer Rugs

6. They cut my privates off in prison but I can still bend over for you
The Muslim Gay Men's Chorus

7. It' was hard to be in Saddam's prison when I knew you was cheatin' with the guards
Mullah Devine

8. Yore camel smells better than the stories you bin tellin'
The Burka Bitches

9. The feelin between my legs ain't my camel honey
Big Saddam and the Tigress Studs

10. Your cell phone's workin' Big Man why ain't you?
Mosque Sluts

E X C L U S I V E

SNEAK PEEK AT HILLARY CLINTON'S NEW BOOK
My Struggle (working title, may have a problem in the German translation because "Mein Kampf" may get a bunch of Jews out of shape)

Chap I: How I overcame Senator Schumer and Mayor Giuliani and alone saved New York after 9/11 (A heroic and heart stirring start to a great book. How an innocent friendly remark about wops made the Mayor "crazy" and forced her to act. Created the great untold story of New York )

Chap II: How I saved 50,000 American Troops in Iraq

Chap III: How I helped millions of children starve to death in Zimbabwe (under revision)

Chap IV: How I saved thousands of homeless Taliban in Afghanistan (might be deleted)

Chap V: How I saved millions from SARS (could be rewritten to say hundreds of millions if she can do all the interviews)

Chap VI: How I saved hundreds of passengers on a plane being hijacked on 9/11 (currently Top Secret at the Pentagon because Rumsfeld hates powerful women)

Chap VII: How I personally helped every single family survivor of the 9/11 tragedy (Racist homophobic Republican survivors deny this and Chapter is at her lawyers)

Chap VIII: How I spend every waking hour caring for others less fortunate, gifted or brilliant than I (The Left Wing "Nation" magazine is so in love with this chapter they may reprint the whole chapter)

Chap IX: How I have stood up to dictators around the world at private dinners (She had concealed tape recorders at dinners with Chirac, Schroeder, Mugabe (she calls him "Muggie"), Chretien (of Canada) and others.)

Chap X: How I face death every day for taking a stand on women's rights in Republican states

Chap XI: How I alone exposed the corruption at the UN (the goods on phoney abortion clinics in Saudi Arabia, the shocking truth about the lack of organic food at refugee camps, and more)

Chap XII: How I alone restrained New York Jews from attacking Ariel Sharon at a bris for convicted serial killer

Chap XIII: How I got my husband elected to higher office two times (an affectionate look including the tragic death of Buddy the dog at the hands of a vindictive Monica Lewinsky who has yet to stand trial)

Chap XIV: How I helped the Yankees win the World Series (Castro can be a friend; the first revelation of the "pitcher for Florida Cuban big mouth" deal; how Cuban pitcher "El Duque" really came to the Yankees)

Chap XV: How I forced the Jets to draft Chad Pennington (a shocking revelation--is this her secret love?).

Chap XVI: Why I have refused to help the Knicks until they support late term abortions

Chap XVII: How I developed Humility

IRAQI "CARD DECK" OFFERED BRIBES TO SURRENDER
It has been revealed that Baath Party leaders only surrender after making "a deal". News of the inducements have led reporters on a merry chase trying to find out what they are. WE have found the list of "reasons" being offered to the at large Iraqi elite and publish them below.

REASONS TO SURRENDER TO THE AMERICANS

War Crimes Trials to he held in Berkeley.

All allegations of torture, rape, murder, and genocide to be reduced to a misdemeanor

All atomic bombs found in your homes will be inspected by Hans Blix

Your own weekly TV News show on CNN

Become a Human Shield in Tahiti

Two tickets to a Dixie Chicks concert

Membership in the Screen Actors Guild

Opportunity to join the Kerry Campaign for regime change.

Letters of apology and sympathy from: Dustin Hoffman, Martin Sheen, George Clooney, Jessica Lange and more than one hundred former anti-war celebrities now living in Damascus. Available immediately upon surrender.
Link to exclusive peek at Hilary Clinton's New Book

THE LEFT PUBLISHES THEIR RULES OF WARFARE
Major figures from Hollywood, Academia, and Media Publish Guidelines for War

1. Don't fight in any battles that might be on FOX News later.
2. Shooting Republican Guards is good.
Shooting Democratic Guards is bad
3. All cultures are equal; having your tongue cut out may mean something in Iraq that it doesn't' mean here. Don't be judgmental.
4. Never hurt anybody who can speak French
5. Be sure the zoo animals are fed before the starving people
6. If a Peace Marcher spits on you, be grateful you live in a country that tolerates traitors
7. Think of the environment. Never do number two on sand dunes
8. Saddam Hussein and George Bush are exactly the same way down deep. Saddam Hussein just seems nicer.
9. Torture chambers do not exist. Information retrieval salons may exist
10. Don't believe Donald Rumsfeld. If the Secret Police really existed nobody would know about them.
11. Movie Stars are your friends
12. Nobody likes a bad winner. Don't wave flags. Don't sing God Bless America. Be ashamed.
13. If you find a few hundred million dollars in a dog kennel God wants YOU to have it, not some towel head Muslim shithead

W A R N I N G

not funny, not humorous, just a real warning

P-R-I-N-T P-A-L

INTERNET CONSUMER FRAUD

They are the first eight entries on the Google PRINT PAL page and they have a paid green ad on the right.

They are the fourth entry on the Google PRINTER CARTRIDGE page and one of the paid ads.
They are the fifth entry on the Yahoo PRINTER CARTRIDGE page

My experience: they take your money and don't ship. They respond to nothing you send when you complain. They took $42 of my money. Do not let them do the same to you.

Company name: PRINT PAL

TELL YOUR FRIENDS

They ain't no pal of mine.

E-X-C-L-U-S-I-V-E----NEWS HEADLINES--CARD DECKS IN FRENCH EMBASSY---SECRET RUSSIAN DEFENSE PLANS---WMD
U.S. Marines breaking into the French Embassy in Baghdad have discovered packs of playing cards bearing the pictures of Bush Administration Officials...Developing....

Why did the Russians agree to plan the defense of Iraq with Saddam? To prove the sudden collapse theory they used in Eastern Europe still had legs.

What was the Iraqi soldiers battle cry? Don't shoot me I'm Israeli....

What weapons of mass destruction have been discovered so far? Corporation filings for Enron Iraq.

Just in: Recent barrels of pesticide found in cave wouldn't hurt a fly, say two prominent Hollywood Stars.

LINK HERE TO THE JESSICA LYNCH MOVIE SCREENPLAY
The move is ready to roll and it is RED hot. May have rating problem. Warning: R Rated for language, sexual situations, violence, and nudity. Otherwise it's PG35.