SUBSTITUTES FOR FRENCH PERFUMES
Boycott with confidence. Some American perfumes are just as good, if not better

FRENCH WEENIE VERSION: Original Estee-------Estée is composed of multiple floral accords containing Moroccan rose absolute, Russian coriander, and yugoslav moss combined with floral notes of tuberose, lily and jasmine. Carnation adds a spicy touch and sandalwood a woody facet. The whole creates a sumptuous bouquet.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Irving's Original:---------composed of various Central Park grasses, dandelions, New York daisies, and some chemicals that duplicate the various Euroweenie fake stuff. Trust us, this stuff will make you smell like a bitch in heat and will last long after you get laid. Use sparingly. There have been reports that a few elderly women wearing it have been gang banged in churches, and some mildly attractive women have had similar attentions at while strolling Fifth Avenue.

GUTLESS FROG VERSION: Chanel No 5:-----------A mythical perfume and the undisputed leader of creative fragrances, Chanel N°5 is the number one seller in the world. Mademoiselle Chanel (a Nazi collaborator and typical French uber bitch) had incorporated synthetic substances, aldehydes, in her formula – Blended with may roses and jasmine from Grasse, they form a mysterious and indefinable scent.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Texas Jack's Totally Awesome No.16:----------Based on the assumption that "No Texas babe wants to smell like a French whore", Texas Jack incorporated real substances like Texas Chili, Greasy Dick beer, blended with Texas cactus flowers, Mexican bougainvillea roots, and aldehydes. These substances form a totally unique and baffling scent that will give every man within ten feet a giant hard on. Prepare for total action with this scent. A steal at only $26 a pint. Compare with the French version at $35 per 1/4 ounce.

THE SURRENDER MONKEY VERSION: Arpege':------------The superb floral bouquet is composed of jasmine, rose, ylang ylang, tuberose, and lily-of-the-valley warmed by spices such as clove and coriander. The end note delivers a woody vanilla finish; Arpège was the first woman's perfume to contain so much sandalwood. The classic French scent.

AMERICAN SUBSTITUTE: Booty Juice No.2:----------Created by J.D. "The Bitch Stomper" Muhammad of the LA Crips. "Dis an abra-cadabra fo even a BAH bitch tuh have bandalu boys crawlin' to put dere soup coolers on any bitches roast beef curtains . Yo smell like a sherm stick so dey spooge in dere pants fum de nex' block." According to JD's marketing people the formula has a hint of angel dust, mixed with just a vague sense of cocaine and vintage hemp with a dominant odor of vaginal fluids that has men crawling to perform oral sex even toward the ugliest of "bitches". Competitvely priced at $40 per ½ ounce fob South Central Los Angeles.

BOYCOTT THAT FRENCH SHIT-------------BUY AMERICAN---------------FOR A WHILE ANYWAY