TRANSCRIPT OF A MID APRIL 2003 TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JACQUES CHIRAC AND SADDAM HUSSEIN. THE WAR IS GOING BADLY FOR IRAQ. FRANCE IS BEING REVEALED AS TREACHEROUS. CHIRAC WILDLY POPULAR IN FRANCE.

SADDAM: You lied to me.
JACQUES: I lie to everybody. I'm French.
SADDAM: You told me to trust the Russians
JACQUES: Somebody has to. God knows I'd never trust the bastards.
SADDAM: You told me you had secret information that....
JACQUES: You told me I'd have unlimited oil for twenty years. You lied to me.
SADDAM: I lie to everybody. I'm an Arab.
JACQUES: But when I lie my popularity soars. I'm so popular in France I could beat DeGaulle.
SADDAM: When I lie everybody thinks I'm telling the truth.
JACQUES: That's where you went wrong.
SADDAM: Wrong? To tell a lie and get away with it is wrong?
JACQUES: I tell lies and get caught and everybody loves me. That is the secret of politics.
SADDAM: I'll tell you a secret. Promise you'll never tell?
JACQUES: No.
SADDAM: No???
JACQUES: I'm lying.
SADDAM: Oh. So no means yes.
JACQUES: Now you sound French. What's the secret.
SADDAM: I know where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are.
JACQUES: I thought you told me you didn't have any.
SADDAM: I was lying.
JACQUES: So when I told the world you might have Weapons of Mass Destruction I was telling the truth?
SADDAM: Yes
JACQUES: I am ruined if this gets out.
SADDAM: No no. I am lying.
JACQUES: Oh. I understand.
SADDAM: The Americans are in full retreat. Do you know a good plastic surgeon?
JACQUES: I know a Jew who could do the job.
SADDAM: Perfect. Then I won't feel bad when I kill him after the operation.
JACQUES: So you believe me?
SADDAM: Of course not. I'll send you a couple of million.
JACQUES: I'll send you nobody. You are a pig.
SADDAM: And you are the son of a camel .
JACQUES: Glad we understand each other.
SADDAM: If Elvis Presley knocks on your door you'll know who it is.
JACQUES: Make it Martin Sheen. More modern.

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