Weekend Headlines

LATE BREAKING
Bush White House to Declare WWII Combat against Germany is Over
Defense Department announces "Glitches" in Development of Plutonium Sniffing Dogs.
Human Shields in Samoa Resent Ridicule

OTHER HEADLINES LAST NIGHT
FAILURE TO HAVE FOOTAGE ON NEW LOOTING IN IRAQ MAY COST REPORTERS THEIR JOBS
Network biggies threaten all reporters unless they deliver new footage of rioting and looting. "We all know what is going on", says one on condition of anonymity. "The Administration is deliberately supressing news of the riots, looting, and criminality. We will find this activity. I guarantee it."


DEMS SAY ZERO TERROR ATTACKS SINCE 9/11 IN U.S. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
"There could have been terror attacks and that's what counts. Not stupid statistics taken out of context.

"WINNING TWO WARS IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS A PHONY STATISTIC", SAY DEMS
"Stats could have been much different had we fought China, Russia, and North Korea", say Democrats. "Let's fight a couple of real powers til we let Bush brag."

HEALTH CARE CRISES IN BEVERLY HILLS AND PALM BEACH SPUR REFORMS
Two Beverly Hills couples who have seen their 401ks drop in value from $40 and $55 million respectively to a "paltry" few hundred thousand can't pay for health care without selling their second homes. "This is a health care crises of major proportions," declared Barbara Boxer (D- CA). "These people are very close to living on their bond incomes. The costs of their drugs, private care at Cedars Sinai, and kennel bills for their dogs while they are hospitalized threaten to destroy them."

DEMS OPPOSE SECRET WAR
A secret war being waged against secret enemies have the Democrats in an uproar. "Bush won't even name the enemy til the war is over and won," moan top Dems.

REPUBLICANS SCREAM "FOUL" OVER MEDIA COVERAGE All major networks except FOX report unemployment figures for April "There's a hell of a lot more happening domestically, than these figures. They are lagging indicators anyway", say GOP insiders. "Nobody mentions the fact that the hiring of maids is up 8% and prison guard hirings are up 41%. The liberal media only concentrate on the negative."

UN HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION REPORTS DICTATORSHIPS HAVE HIGHER LIVING STANDARDS THAN U.S. No surprises in report say France and Germany EU, swayed by report, may eliminate elections. Talking to former royal family of the Hapsburg Dynasty about new government. May start with Frederick the XXI now living in the Bronx.

ANTI-WAR CELEBS PLANNING TO SUPPORT A CANDIDATE Most Dems seem reluctant to accept endorsements by Lange, Sarandon, Harrelson, and the rest. "There is no way a candidate can refuse to be endorsed," says Tim Robbins. "This is McCarthyism at its worst."