SIGN UP NOW FOR THE "OK TO CALL ME" LIST

The new FCC "Don't Call" lists excludes the biggest criminals in America, politicians. They will be calling you any time they choose with sleazy shopworn "pitches" like: Bush has plans to murder half the blacks in America. Do you want to stop him? Or Bush has plans to murder half the blacks in America. Do you want to help?

The fascist government is trying to take away your right to receive calls that notify you of opportunities in the latest unlisted stock, tax shelter, newspaper offer, or other wonderful opportunity. We in the telemarketing industry, always standing with the rights of every American to receive phone calls, are giving you the opportunity to sign on.

Hundreds of cancer drugs, hot stocks on companies making products like glow in the dark condoms, movies made by unknown producers, innovative vibrators, space capsules, and the hydrogen fuel cell powered carving knife are just some of the things we know you want to hear about.

NAME:
phone number not necessary, we already have it.
Credit card number not necessary, we already have that too.
Net worth, not necessary.
SS number not necessary we have that..
Checking account number not necessary, we have it.

Glad we could help you stand up for America.

Reply to this form also includes a model release, an agreement not to seek legal redress, and the right to send cash if you so choose.

CAPTURED PRAIRIE DOG REVEALS AL QAEDA CONNECTION

(Madison WI June 9) A captured Prairie Dog named "Mel" owned by a local pre teen has been captured. "Mel" also known as Muhammed el Kaliffa de Rashkili was trained in Afghanistan and shipped in a crate to Racine Wisconsin and sold to a pet store. "Mel" volunteered to infect himself with Monkey Pox and spread it to everyone who came in contact with him. Mel learned from al Qaeda master Osama bin Ladin himself how to get that cute grin on his face so that unsuspecting Americans would grin back and then pet him, thus contracting the disease.

Prairie Dog psychic, George Clooney (No relation to the famous 50's pop singer) from Fargo North Dakota, "talked" with Mel when the animal grew lonely and depressed after three days in a maximum security animal shelter and just had to talk to someone he could trust. "Mel" hates Americans, hated his owner little Mary Jane Anderson, and planned on converting her to his Muslim faith but found terror opportunities first. Mel claims he is one of millions of Muslim ferrets, prairie dogs, and weasels who are ready to launch a massive terror attack.

"Monkey Pox is just a small start," says Mr. Clooney (no relation to the 50's pop singer). "They are carriers of rinderpest, a transboundary animal disease thought confined to cattle, but terrorist prairie dogs cuddled with the cattle and contracted the disease too. Worse, is the attempt to transmit syphilis and Aids, however the ferrets assigned the job have not been able to have sex with their human owners, SO FAR."

Clooney wants to warn all ferret, prairie dog and weasel owners not to fall for their cute smiles and cuddly looks designed to cause a sexual response in humans. No matter what, do not engage in sexual activity with the critters,"warns Clooney. Rumors persist in the gay and lesbian community about oral sex from a ferret being even better than anal from a gerbil.

"We will stop this terror attack in its tracks", said FBI agent J. Edmond Hoover (no relation to the famous vacuum cleaner).

Tigress Hills

Where real Arab Men Find Paradise

12230 Old Tigress Silk Road
North Baghdad, Iraq


May Allah be Praised
Dear Friend;

We share your grief at the loss of manhood, land, and Muslim pride resulting from the American sneak attack on Iraq last April. The Good News is WE DID NOT LOSE. It has now been proven that Saddam Hussein was not an Arab. He was French.

Your manhood is still in tact. Take this brief manhood test.

You are insulted on the street by a camel who evacuates his bowels on your shoes. You
A. Immediately kill it
B. Immediately kill the owner
C. You beg an American soldier to help you.

See? You are still burning with manhood. One more question to test your mettle.

Your wife dares to question your purchase of a new Rolex watch from a street vendor instead of buying food for your hungry family. You
A. Graciously punch her in the face til she quiets down.
B. Magnanimously beat her into submission with a cane
C. Beg an American soldier for food.

There. That is proof. Now friend of Allah most Holy, defender of the Faith, Holy Warrior of Islam you are invited to the movie premier of "The Americans Suck" a film by Jacques LeCroque re-cut from the original German masterpiece "Der Friken Juden Banken Haben" ("The Jews Own All the Banks") by Lili Riefenstahl, Leni's young cousin who was kicked out of the Gestapo for being mean to the Jews. The movie is free. All Allah asks you to do is listen to a short presentation of real estate opportunities available near the Tigress River north of Baghdad. This is a great opportunity to join with other men of faith in a time-share program you will enjoy. Do not bring your wife. She is too stupid to understand masculine things, will only object, and there is no sense beating her into submission in public.

Praise be to Allah

Murray bin Kalid il Abraham
Tigress Homes and Gardens

The Iraq Gazette

C L A S S I F I E D
FOR SALE: Two fresh Virgins recalled from Paradise due to lack of dead heroes.
79-671-4488 ask for Mullah Greenberg

FOR SALE: Four New WMDs. May need new rubber band power systems. Brand new paint job with stencil in Arabic and English on side: "Warning Anthrax on Board". Make Offer. 79-845- 3751, Mr. Blix

FOR RENT: Army. Cheap. Call: 79-773-2666 leave message on machine. AMEX, DISCOVER, MC, VISA. One week minimum. Very brave in spite of what you may hear.

WANTED: Pen Pal. Write Eric Rudolph, Mobile Jail, Mobile AL. Tell me about your lesbians.

HELP WANTED: Assistant brain surgeon and file clerk. Big tits and a nice ass a plus. Call 79- 552-4310 and ask for Uday. You must be at least twelve years old. Your call will be returned within one day.

HELP WANTED: Cold blooded assassin for interesting work around children. This is Jihad, Holy War, Paradise guaranteed stuff. Call 79-677-3998 from a pay phone allow to ring twice and then hang up. You will be called back. immediately.

LEGAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Imam Ali Kifhar il Muhammad and Shiek Ramses MMMXXVII Doing Business As The MidEast Stompers, a rap music group, music publishing company, and Muslim charity. Filed 5/30/2003.

GARAGE SALE: Precious heirlooms dating back to my ancestors 2,500 BC; includes hard core pornography from the time of Hamurabi: "Nile Sluts" (graphic alligator rape), "Oasis Gang Bang" (hot camel action) and "Anal Sphinx Bitches do Persia" (illustrated; women deficating in desert); also old Nazi gas chamber with instructions and a month supply of zyclon gas (Jews not included); 27116 Baath Bl. Sat starting at 9AM.

NEW YORK TIMES ANNOUNCES REPLACEMENT FOR JAYSON BLAIR

He is Terrance Franklyn Harris, 23 of New York City. He is a graduate of the prestigious Louis Farrakahn Institute (LFI) in Havana, Cuba. Before attending LFI Mr. Harris served four years of a life sentence for a series of alleged criminal assaults; which included murder, rape, and shoplifting. He was pardoned by President Clinton at the behest of the warden who was concerned about the physical well being of the other prisoners who constantly found themselves the focal point of the six foot eight inch 300 pound Harris's anger. President Clinton pardoned him on the condition he leave the country. Publisher Arthur Sulzberger and editor Howell Raines selected Mr. Harris after reviewing all 25,000 applications for Mr. Blair's position and found only 100 suitably black candidates. Of the 100, while it was a tough call, only Mr. Harris showed an ability to read and write. While in Cuba Mr. Harris was a reporter for the Sheraton Hotel Observer, a paper devoted to explaining the tourist attractions available to tourists as well as colorfully detailing the penalties for going anywhere else.

He wrote a major piece for Trabajo el Cabellero (Worker Friends) exposing the evils of capitalism in parts of Havana which resulted in the cleanup of the criminal activity, the eradication of taco stands, and the jailing of hundreds illegal shoe shine boys. He also was instrumental in liberalizing some of the Information Retrieval Centers so that people who wanted to talk about their relative's anti-government activities could do so without electrical or bone adjusting encouragement. He was awarded the prestigious Iron Partegas (named after the famous Cuban cigar) for his reporting on the suspicious activity going on at Guantanamo Bay, which revealed for all the world that Muslim prisoners were being held there against their will. He was a guide for Danny Glover and other Hollywood luminaries who he entertained by exposing the stars to colorful Cuban culture like free prostitutes, discount cigars, and socialist baseball (like the American game only every run scored counts for both teams).

"He is a major addition to our great paper and his first assignment will be to let management know just what the attitudes in the newsroom really are and how to correct them quickly," said Mr. Raines.