ALERT

POWDER PUFF FOOTBALL WILL NOW BE FEDERALLY REGULATED
Democrats, energized by the brutality and insensitivity of the Powder Puff Football Game in a suburban Illinois school district, have proposed "cutting edge" legislation.

"This will be our cutting edge issue for 2004," said a leading Democrat. "This, combined with the Bush trip to the aircraft carrier, the runaway dog food expenses at the White House, the fact that albinos have no visible place in the Administration, and the fact that prostitutes may spread venereal diseases are what Americans want to address.

The Powder Puff Bill (HR-4225777632-188A) co-sponsored by Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Barbara Boxer (D-CA), Nancy Pelosi (D-SFran a separate state), and Henry Waxman (D-CA) spells out the rules and conditions under which a Powder Puff Football game can take place. Included in the Bill are the following:

1. No prolonged breast "tagging" that might be construed as fondling or foreplay;

2. Feces may be used as a "tagging" device provided they are not thrust into the actual face of the ball carrier. The head, the rest of the body, and stuffing them in the mouth of a downed plaer will be permitted. Feces must not be so hard as to cause brain injuries or so soft as to soil clothing, may be used instead of a two hand "tag" on a ball carrier;

3. Only two 12 ounce beers per player allowed, more only if keg will allow even distribution to all players, players refusing to drink beer subject to expulsion from game;

4. Bashing with dead fish weighing more than three pounds will result in ejection from game.

5. Jumping up and down on another player while said player is held face down in the mud by other players will only be allowed if in retaliation for insensitive insults to a racial minority (Minority as defined in Secret Senate Rule 44-6573-A, 2,026 pages available for $25 payable to DNC);

6. Head bashing with objects like hammers, tire irons, and chains will be discouraged unless all races and religious creeds approve;

7. Abortion providers must be stationed on each sideline and available to all players;

The rule that the Federal Government will pick up all medical expenses may not pass muster with Right Wing reactionary Republicans.

Dems feel this will be "THE" issue for 2004.