WEEKEND HEADLINES
New Jersey Mafia declares Baghdad now safe
Senator Kerry's wife to change name from Heinz to Del Monte
Jayson Blair hired by ENRON

Other Headlines Developing
Saudis Agree to Elections
Saudi citizens will be allowed to vote if they qualify under a new edict issued today. Males with a net worth of $1billion, no job, and a pair of sunglasses that cost at least $500 will be eligible.

French Surrender
Terms will be announced by Monaco later today.

Al Sharpton Opposed
The appearance of other candidates designed only to deprive me of the nomination, says Al. Their appearance proves Democrats only pay lip service to Affirmative Action and Diversity

STUPID MOVIE STAR QUOTE FROM THE PAST: George Clooney: "I believe he (Bush) thinks this [war against Iraq] is a war that can be won, but there is no such thing anymore. We can't beat anyone" anymore."