CHARITIES PANIC OVER REVELATIONS THAT SECOND HAND SMOKE IS HARMLESS
New York May 17th UP
Jayson Blair, special to ELG
"We have been targeted by the international Right Wing conspiracy," stated one charity with links to a hundred million dollar fund raising operation. Second hand smoke, which many lawyers hope will become the mother lode, "is the main cause of lung cancer in the world today and we don't care what a bunch of drug addicted communist scientists from LA say about anything," said Irving Slutnik an attorney from New York.

An emergency meeting of 100 charities responsible for the distribution of more than a billion dollars in government funding and contributions from the public is taking place at the Cancun Ritz Carlton over the weekend. Charitable contributions will pay for the meeting. The Second Hand Smoke Death Watch is prepared to expose this phony research whether it is true or not.

Several cities have ordinances pending that will require all smokers to inhale their smoke and hold their breath for ten seconds so that exhalation will produce no harmful "exhaust" (smoke). Meanwhile the two elderly males who were caught red handed blowing smoke rings outside a courtroom in New York City face criminal charges. Two alleged Mafia hoodlums collapsed when inhaling the smoke rings so the two elderly men may face civil rights prosecution as well (Mafia members are covered under the Civil Rights act as a protected minority in New York City).

Additional information on the effects of second hand smoke are emerging from the Illinois "Powder Puff Football Game" trial. Two defense lawyers are claiming the children became helplessly aggressive because of the second hand smoke blown in their faces by a child molester who was watching the game, smoking, and masturbating at the same time. The syndrome, known as the Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry reaction, is named after the wife of Senator Kerry. Mrs. Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry (Dakota Souix call her "Seven Names") got this disease because of her continual exposure in "smoke filled rooms" while her former husband was fixing elections. The syndrome will be offered as a defense. The children, all over 17 but as offspring of the rich qualify as children til they are old enough to inherit their parent's money, will fight the charges all the way to the Supreme Court.

The report HERE, is being squelched by all responsible news agencies. Only Rush Limbaugh (a rumored child molester, Nazi, religious fanatic, gun owner, Repubican, and football fan) together with the entire British press (notoriously effete and supporters of Saddam) have dared to publish these libelous reports. The reports will not be allowed in court. The prosecutors are sworn to uphold the right of charities to extract billions for further research. All judges in Illinois are sworn to protect juries from the harmful effects of science.

"America will never be prey to scientific research" exclaimed Assistant D.A. Alfred Nobel.