NEW JERSEY MAFIA CLAIMS BAGHDAD NOW SAFE
Guido "Stone Heart" Pugliazzi of Camden reported that Baghdad was quiet. "We gave a couple of strip clubs to some of the mullahs, we gave some girls who will put out for a few dinars if they know what's good for them to a couple of our friends, we showed some guys who shall remain nameless how to run a betting joint and make a killing no matter what, and we acquainted twenty or thirty of them with The Really Great Satan may they rest in peace."

The State Department bureaucrats, when asked to explain the sudden order in a capital city that until last night had been violent, replied that their policy of allowing Iraqis to solve their own problems had bourne fruit. Jack Daniels the assistant to the First Assistant to the Assistant Head of State Department Inter-Iraq Re-construction Administration a 150,000 person agency with Headquarters in Cancun and offices in Basra, Baghdad, Mosul, Kuwait City, and Monaco announced that he was "pleased that only twenty or twenty five bodies had been found stuffed into garbage cans overnight with their arms broken and faces smashed beyond recognition as the best sign of peace in Baghdad in three weeks." He said things were so nice that young girls could now walk the streets without fear and pointed to thirty or more scantily clad young girls on the street in front of his office as proof. "A few little fights broke out over some soccer game bets that resulted in a minor gun fight, but that is to be expected when freedom suddenly happens."

As far as the contaminated water supply affecting people Daniels was thrilled that the population seemed to prefer whiskey, wine, and other beverages to water anyway. "And the little kids being drunk is actually an old custom in Iraq and we shouldn't try to impose our value system on them. When they start to vomit and pass out the new freedom they now have allows their parents to just laugh and drink more wine."

Daniels is looking forward to getting back home now that Baghdad is safe.